My post for today is taken from yesterday's installment in my journal. Yesterday started out as a very rough one and I had been feeling down for a couple of weeks. I had begun to wonder if maybe I was in some sort of mid-life crisis. It resulted in a very powerful teaching moment for me, and as I learn, I want to teach.
Have you ever felt like you were so much bigger than the life you were living? I feel that way. Very heavy, like I'm in a mid-life crisis. I have felt for so many years that I was supposed to have a great big life. In recent years I have felt like I'm bigger than where I am but not big enough for where I'm going or am supposed to go. Now I just feel like the life I am supposed to be living, I have missed it. I feel like a great person, a big person, living a small life and I don't know how to get out of my small life. I had developed a sort of motto at the beginning of the year, "I'm taking the world by storm, one raindrop at a time". But now I feel like my "one raindrop at a time" has turned into simply just "one raindrop". My plans, my inspirations, when they first hit me, they feel HUGE. But once I execute them they just feel like one little drip, when I actually thought it would be a flood, and when what I needed and even hoped it would be a flood. I don't know what to do.
About 20 minutes later:
I went for a walk and cried and talked to God, and then God talked to me and explained something to me. My feeling "bigger than where I am" does not have as much to do with my physical location as it does my mental location (state of mind/mindset) and the choices that I make that create and shape my life. The reason that I feel like I'm "bigger" than the life I'm living is because I'm stronger than than how I'm living. If I didn't have the strength and ability already in me to live a bigger, better life it wouldn't bother me that my life is the way it is. Something great and big IS inside of me and it is crying out to be allowed to live. It is asking, begging, pleading with me, to live from my strength and not my weaknesses, like I have been doing most of my life. Living weak is normal and automatic for me but it also keeps me disgusted with myself. My soul, my spirit, my real life is crying out...to be lived. If I feel like the life I was created to live is greater, bigger than the one I'm living, then I need to start LIVING BIG. I need to learn to live a GREAT BIG LIFE.
I said to someone a couple of weeks ago, "Everything you desire, IS YOU".
I say to myself today, "Everything I'm not, I really am, because I desire to be".
Lord, teach me every day how to live a GREAT BIG LIFE!