Thursday, April 30, 2015

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: One of my BEST Decisions

SINGLE LIFE SERIES:  One of the best decisions I've made as a single woman was when I STOPPED taking advice from women, including married women...about men.

I made this decision several years ago due to many many times of being ill -informed by women who seemed to or wanted to think they knew a lot about men. Most of them of course were single just like I was, and usually going from one relationship to another. It took me a while but I finally figured out that they were not helping me at all. 

Friends of mine who were outside of regular church attendance had advice that was pretty much strictly worldly and fleshly. Single women in the church for the most part had just as many questions as I did, unless they were trying to be extra deep and spiritual. Most of the women in and out of church were wounded still from past experiences or even by current situations in their marriages. They had built up walls that wouldn't allow them to fully trust or even be willing to love whole heartedly again. Married women in church, I found seemed to be very unhappy in their marriages.  The bulk of their relationship or marriage advice was about how it's all "work".  It's not easy. No romance. No friendship. No laughter. "It's a lot of work", or "It's not all flower beds of ease" is what I heard a lot while looking into faces of women who seemed to regret being married.  They encouraged us to enjoy being single, but not in a way that celebrated singleness. Instead it was in a way that made me think they wished they still were, or could be again. If they weren't doing that they often "scolded" the single ladies for their questions, making them feel guilty for asking or having a desire for companionship.

Another thing that helped me to come to this decision was that as I walked with God and as He continued to explain things to me, He taught me about men through His own behavior toward me and His own characteristics that can also be found in men. The more He showed me, the more I realized how much bad information and sometimes incomplete information was being passed along among women.

If you think about it, most people believe that the best way to find out how a person feels is to ask that person, but for some reason women don't apply this to men. Many don't believe anything that comes out of a man's mouth about himself, or what he thinks or wants or doesn't want.  Instead, we'll take what he said, then go to other females and say stuff like. "Girl let me tell you what he said and then you tell me what you think", or "Girl he said such n such...what do you think he meant by that?" Then her trusted friend commences to pass on advice based on her past experiences or that of some trusted female in her life which was had in a relationship that didn't work out. And let's not even go there with the women in church and their, "Girl I had a dream about you guys" or "I saw how he was watching you", carrying on. 

I experienced this quite a bit with one friend in particular who would offer the translation without my even asking.  I would tell her something a guy said and she would say, "You know what that means don't you?" Of course at this point I'm looking as puzzled as a tourist in a foreign country and she sees that as a sign that I desperately need what she has to say.  She would go on to telling me that "When a man says that, what he really means is...".  But you know what I learned about men when I stopped letting women tell me what they meant?  THEY MEANT JUST WHAT THEY SAID. 

You see, women tend to play those games with our words in an effort to trick or trap men in lies, etc.  We'll ask a man the same question 3 or 4 different ways to make sure we get the same answer because we often lack the ability to trust them. But I've found that when you are dealing with a grown man, he will pretty much say exactly what he wants to say. If you ask him something, and he answers, that's the answer. Unless you're dealing with a lying, cheating, player type, what you see is what you get with men. Maybe that's part of the problem with women. Too many of us see them all as lying, cheating, player types so we can't take much of anything they say at face value. 
NOTE: I will say that if all the men you deal with are cheating player types, you are either choosing the wrong kinds of men to deal with, or you are so wounded that you accuse them all of being such. Either way, you need to back away from all dating and pray to God for healing.

Men cut to the chase. They don't usually go into long drawn out details or beat around the bush. They just say what they want to say and are done with it. So when you can't take what he said as what he meant, and you take his words to someone else to "interpret", then bring their interpretation back to him as if you've caught him in a lie, you cause a lot of problems in your relationship.  All of this because you took advice from a woman about a man, when the man was right there in front of you and told you what you asked him, but you couldn't accept it.

As far as married women, one thing I've found is that they can talk the most about their man, as they should. They should be the expert on their husband.  But what is missing sometimes is that they don't distinguish between characteristics of their man, and men in general. I believe that there are basics about men in general that every woman should know prior to marriage, but it seems that over the years with so much breakdown in relationships in and out of church, that basic knowledge is being diluted down to just women passing on what they got in failed relationships or only being able to tell their own personal story.

Even though I'd stopped looking to women to help me understand men, I still needed to be deprogrammed from they old way of thinking. I still had a tendency to wonder what he really meant when he said something,  or I would read way too much into everything a man said. The more I failed at "figuring men out" the more I realized I needed to talk to the one who created them. When I began to take my questions and concerns to God is when I began to understand some things so clearly that it helped me to be more settled in my heart, even in my desire for companionship. Allowing God to talk to me about men, myself, and Himself helped to shave away the unrealistic expectations I had in my heart about men and relationships that I didn't even realize I had.

So I will just say this to any Single woman out there who seems to be having a hard time figuring out these amazing creatures called men.  Go to the creator. Ask Him. You may be surprised to learn how much He knows about men. You will also be relieved at how much healing will take place in your own heart and how much of your mindset needs to be adjusted in the area of relationships. As ready as you may feel like you are, by the time God gets done or gets started talking to you, you may stop asking God, "Why is it taking so long?" and "Where's my husband?", and go back to Him and say, "Not quite yet, Lord. I need a little more time."

Wednesday, April 29, 2015



"I have plenty of good men. They are just hidden, just as you are hidden. I just need you to let me fix you. Let me fix you so that if I give you a husband you won't be trying to get from him what you can only get from me, and if I don't give you a husband you'll still be okay."
When He said that to me I was honest with Him and said, "Lord I believe you can do the first part, but I'm not gonna lie. I don't believe you can do the second part. I don't believe that you can make me be okay without a husband.

Well guess what? He did it! Did He take away my desire for a mate? NO.  But He did exactly what He said. He FIXED ME so that I would be okay without a husband even though I still desire one. I promise you...He's the ONLY ONE who could do that. How did He do it?  Through my relationship with Him. Through questions I asked and the answers He gave. Through explaining things to me about men and showing me characteristics of Himself that are also found in Godly men and manly men.

Single ladies are constantly told, "Work on your relationship with God!" But nobody was able to explain HOW our relationship WITH GOD actually worked to prepare us for relationship or no relationship. But I asked questions and I'm sharing God's answers with you. It's not rocket science but at the same time if nobody takes the time to let God teach them, the cycle of unhappy, unfulfilled, and desperate acting SAVED Single sisters in church will continue. I didn't want to be one of those women even though I was for a while, and you don't have to be either.

A few weeks after God first said to me, "Let me fix you", He came back to clarify, probably because He recognized how I responded to those particular words in my heart. My heart response, even though I didn't say it out loud, was that there must be something "wrong" with me. It's my fault that I'm not married. I'm not good enough yet. 

The Lord said to me, "When I said 'Let me fix you', I wasn't saying that something is wrong with you or that you're not good enough.  I want you to let me fix what the enemy has done to you, what others have done to you, and what you out of ignorance have done to yourself"

During the course of our lives so many things come and hurt us to our core, break our hearts and ultimately change the way we feel about ourselves and others, and can change how we feel about relationships. Without proper healing or understanding being gained from things we go through the pain we suffer over time can begin to chip away at our hope. God sees this better than anyone, even us and His desire is that we allow Him through our relationship with Him to heal those old wounds, point out things to us that we have overlooked, explain things to us like how our beliefs have hindered and sometimes crippled us from moving forward in life and enjoying true contentment and fulfillment.

Begin to take time and ask God to reveal to you how the painful things you have experienced have shaped you and altered your view of relationships and yourself.  You may be surprised at how much hurt is still influencing your behaviors and beliefs.

Funny thing about being truly healed:  Sometimes you think you are when you really aren't.  But when you really KNOW it. I didn't know all of what needed to be healed at the time the Lord spoke this to me but by the time He got done breaking it down I was amazed. 

How many dreadful things has the enemy whispered into your ears that you received as your own thoughts?  How many times has he accused you, to yourself, and you agreed with him?  How many times has he ridden the coat tail of your negative emotions at the moment and kicked you when you were down? 

How many times have you been hurt, and deeply wounded by someone who was more than happy to let him use them against you? Have you ever been abandoned? Betrayed?  Lied to? Lied on? Cheated? Abused or taken advantage of in any way? 

Have you ever looked into the mirror and instead of seeing a reason to compliment yourself, you spoke only of things you hated about your looks? How often have you talked yourself out of doing something? Have you ever put up with any level of abuse in any kind of relationship? How many lies did the enemy tell you about yourself that you agreed with because you didn't know any better?  How many times have you gone along with something that was hurtful to you because you didn't know that you were really strong enough to say "No" and that it was okay to say "No"?

It was these kinds of things that the Lord had to walk me through in order to get me to where I could be okay with or without a husband. I encourage you today to open your life and your heart to God and allow Him to "fix you".  Not because you're not good enough or worthy yet, but because you don't realize how damaged you still are.  You don't realize how much the enemy actually got over on you in your ignorance.  The Lord will show you that what you've accepted as "Just the way you are", is not the real you at all, and is not acceptable to Him because it is simply not God's best for you. It's not that He doesn't want to give you the companionship you desire. He just doesn't want you going into a relationship with so many open wounds or sore spots on your soul.  These will wreak havoc in any relationship, and for many of you they are why the last few haven't worked out. He doesn't want you better; He wants you healed. 

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: When Ruth Met Boaz She Was Homeless and Bankrupt

When I was first going through really bad financially, as a single woman I thought a lot about how I wanted things to be when my mate "found me". I would pray and cry to God about it all the time.  "I don't want to be a basket case!  I don't want to be broke!  I don't want him to come and have to rescue me! I don't want him to come and have to pay off all my debts and stop me from being put out, or pay my phone bill or utility bill!"  Just on and on and on I whined about it. Why?  Because we are constantly being told to get all that stuff together so we will be ready or fit for a good man to come into our lives. But one day God dropped a BOMB on me, and he pulled it right out of scripture.

I was whining as usual about how I wanted to be financially stable and ready for a mate when God spoke to me and said, "WHEN RUTH MET BOAZ SHE WAS HOMELESS AND BANKRUPT."  Stopped me dead in my tracks, but then I allowed Him to show me what He was talking about.

She went out because she was hungry, looking for enough food to get them through the day. When she went out, she went HOPING that PERHAPS she would find favor with someone who would allow her to glean the leftovers that fell to the ground as they harvested their grains. She had no property, no inheritance and everything she'd had with her husband had been lost.  She had NOTHING.

But here we are, and have been being indoctrinated that we should HAVE all these things together before we should expect a husband from God. hmmmm. Sounds like one of those missing pieces that keeps leaving a void and bigger question mark.

Not to mention Esther who was an orphan and of a nationality of people who were being threatened with annihilation. She ended up married to a KING.  And not just a KING, but a king who LOVED her.  Both Boaz and King Xerxes LOVED Ruth and Esther. These weren't just marriages of convenience. These women captured the hearts of these men.  But wait....they didn't have anything. (to bring to the so-called table) So something IS missing...

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Something is Still Missing

There is always so much conversation about how a single woman should prepare herself for marriage. Quite a bit of what I hear really boils down to selfishness, making everything about you and then refusing to "settle" for a man who won't worship you.

And then there is the usual "get yourself together" talk or speech.  "Get a relationship with God. Get your education. Get a career. Take care of your finances. Clean up your credit. Learn how to cook and how to keep a clean house. Then you will be "ready" for a husband."

How many single women do you know who have done all of the above and STILL don't have a husband or any prospects?  Quite a few!  So evidently there is still something missing in all of this we are being told about how to prepare for marriage, and when a man will come into our lives.

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Tell Me Your Love Story

Single ladies love to ask married women to tell them the story of how they met their husbands, as if by listening to their "love story" they will hear some magic words that will help them know what to "do" to meet their mate.

One thing you need to know is some of the folks you are asking don't even know what they "did" to meet who they met and married. They got "ready" for marriage on accident, so they really don't know what to tell you. They are glad that the only thing you asked was how they met, because as far as actual preparation goes they don't have that answer.

It is nice to listen to people’s love stories.  I am a sucker for a love story. It does give you something to look forward to, like having your own love story to tell someday. Because Marriage is ultimately spiritual, there has to be Faith applied in addition to and even more than hope. Faith will keep your hope alive when hope wanes.

Friday, April 24, 2015


I dedicate this poem to all of you who are waiting for one more opportunity to see someone or talk to them so you can finally get Closure. You really need to read this.


I have often wondered since you’ve been gone

If I would ever see you again, or speak to you

For the most part, I knew that I would not

But I would also wonder, if I didn’t see you again

How would I know for certain

That I’m no longer in love with you?

How would I know for sure

That it’s really okay that you will never be mine?

How could I possibly get closure

If I never experienced the stab wound that would come to my heart

From you saying to me that you could never love me?

Though I seriously doubted that I would ever see you again

I still hoped in my heart that I would

I hoped that somehow I would get a chance to tell you for myself

That I’m over you, and I’m okay

I hoped to be able to tell you a wonderful story

About my poetry or about my life

And how much better things are for me

I hoped so much for an opportunity

To let you hear the excitement in my voice

As I gave you my progress report

Because I wanted to make you proud of me

The way that I was and am so proud of you

I wanted you to allow me to give you my happy story

I wanted you to give me closure

When I heard that you were on the phone

My heart raced

Here was my chance, my golden moment

My once in a lifetime opportunity to receive closure from you

But you didn’t want to talk to me

So I couldn’t give you my good news

I couldn’t say thank you for being my friend

Or at least for convincing me that you were

I couldn’t’ thank you for not taking advantage of me

Even after you realized

That I was putty in your hands

I couldn’t say that I will always love you

Because you are an extraordinary human being

And that I am grateful to God for allowing me

These last twelve months of you in my life

I couldn’t say thank you for closure

But I can say thank you for not giving me closure

Because if you had given it to me

I would have lived the rest of my life not knowing

That I already had it

Albertine Williams © copyright 2009

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