Monday, January 21, 2013


My Mama went to heaven in 2006, February 10th, just over 5 years ago. The other day one of my brothers and I were talking about certain things that happened prior to her death that let us know that she was about to go home. One of the things he told me was that a few days before Mama passed, he would wake up to the sound of her laughter in his ear. For those of us who have ever heard Mama laugh, especially in her younger years, we remember she had a big laugh. All her teeth would show, especially the pretty gold ones in the front. She had the kind of laugh that made you either laugh along or just sit and grin or giggle without a clue of what was funny. Even when Mama was rejoicing and praising she would burst into a laughter that had nothing to do with humor. So I can only imagine the height of laughter that was released when she embraced the Lord in heaven.
He said that he would wake up and hear her laughing in heaven, but her laughter was so much bigger and louder than it ever was here on earth. I suppose it's the laughter that none of us will experience until we too, are in heaven face to face with Jesus. He said that he would hear her laughing hysterically and it was as if she was in water, or a river, or pool and tossing the water up and laughing, and saying this to Jesus in heaven:
"All this time I've been looking for you, I’ve been searching for you, I've been waiting for you, I've been watching for you!...and you were as close to me as the words in my mouth and the breath in my body!"
Five years after Mama left, this message comes to us from her...from God. My brother was given a glimpse of what she would say before she even got there. Knowing my mother, I have no doubt that those are the exact words she spoke to Jesus when she saw Him there. I have no doubt that the laughter he heard was exactly how she laughed.
"All this time".  I wonder now, how many tears I have shed unnecessarily? How much energy have I wasted? How many doors have been and are still waiting for me to walk through into every promise God has spoken over my life? How many times did I choose not to get dressed and go out and get what I wanted because I didn't realize I would NOT go alone? How many times have I allowed man's rejection to cripple me for days, weeks, even months because I didn't realize that with HIM, IN ME, there is no real rejection, no real throwing away of me? Because HE will never.... How many days did I sit and do nothing, crashed in front of the television when all I had to do was open my mouth, and speak to myself to use the breath of God and go take my victory? How much time did I spend going through the motions while inside not expecting anything good to come to me? "All this time" feeling sorry for myself. "All this time" doubting, second guessing. "All this time" questioning my worthiness, my worth, my value. "All this time", waiting for God to show up in some romantic movie like scene, watching for this someone to show up from around the next corner. "All this time", not realizing that the day I asked Him to come "into" my heart, "into" me, that is exactly what He did.
"I've been waiting for you, I've been searching for you,  I've been watching for you, I've been looking for you". In spite of the greatness I feel is inside of me ... In spite of the gifts, talents, abilities, intelligence, ministry and anointing....I heard the cry of my own heart in these words. I was reminded of the question mark, the gaping hole, the void, the missing piece. I could relate. It makes me wonder...What was Mama looking for? In what direction was she looking for her missing piece to come? What sign did she seek that He was finally there? But He was already there! Not just in the vicinity. Not just in a crisis. Not just walking with...but within! As close as her own breath.
"As close to me as the words in my mouth and the breath in my body”. And so it is for me, for you, for us. He's not just in the vicinity. He's not just God in a crisis. But every day, every moment, as close as the words that fill our mouths and as close as the breath we breathe without even thinking about it. Something happened to me when he said this to me, and I believe my life will forever be changed because of these words. What am I longing for that I could have if only I would breathe Him? If only I would think of Him each time I speak over my own life? If, with every effort I put forth, every challenge I face, I do it and face it with full assurance and knowledge that I am breathing the very Son of God in and out of my own body. I can't imagine singing again or writing again without considering that with every note and every keystroke I can know that it is God breathed.
I have asked myself, and asked God, yes even recently, "Lord, what's missing? What am I missing? Where is the piece I'm missing?" With this seems to come the answer, or at least part of it, "You don't realize how close I am to you. You don't realize what you have with me. You haven't begun to realize how great my love is for you or how much I long for and desire to be close to you and give you all your heart's desires."
I have been in love. And in those times I have felt as if I would like to just crawl into the man's pocket just to be with him at all times. I have desired him so fully that I have thought that if I could just unzip him and crawl inside and zip him back up, maybe that might be close enough. I have longed to know him, to feel him, to carry his scent with me. To share his hurt, his laughter and joy. To not just know his thoughts but to feel them. To feel and satisfy his longing. I have loved and desired so much that I just wanted to be a literal part of him. So enamored that poetry just spilled over out of me and I desired to breathe myself into him. If I have loved and longed for so deeply, how much more can the Lord desire me, desire you! But the best part is, He can be a literal part of us! He has made a way to be completely blended with us, one within us breathing with us and through us. So that everything we need is not in us because he put it there and left us with it to figure things out on our own, but HE is the everything we need.
I sat there talking with my brother thinking that my Mama got to heaven before that was made so real to her. Although I believe that some things will only be fully known in heaven, I also believe that this is something the Lord wants us to realize NOW. And I believe it is the reason this "message" was left on record for US. So that we can be even more inspired to come to know Him, truly, intimately, personally and not just spend our lives wondering what could have or would have been...but that we can begin with each breath to walk in it.

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