Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Good People in Search of Good People (part 1)

I think I might have gotten fed up with the talk of men not being able to find a good woman.  In the Black community it has been said for years that there is a literal shortage of men. The man/woman ratio in our community has been way slanted for quite some time.  Several women to one man has been the issue for years.  So when I hear about our men saying they can't find a good woman....I'm not buying it.  

This started out as a facebook status, but it grew into a Note, and now I'm making it a few blog posts, series if you would, and I'm wondering if it will even be a book, an ebook if nothing else.  Please share your thoughts but please don't be disrespectful.  Relationship talk usually gets deep and can go on and on, but at 48 I've learned a lot and quite frankly I feel like I have something to share that would really help a few people. 

Considering the fact that there are way more single (Black) women than there are single (Black) men who desire long term relationship...I'm convinced that if you're a good man, in or out of church, and you desire a long term relationship, and you're 5 or more years looking and haven't found it, the problem is YOU, not the women.  As the millionaire matchmaker puts it, "your picker is OFF". There are way too many good women out here.  I'm completely convinced that if you want a wife and you're truly seeking one, and you've been looking for more than 5 years (some men even 10 or more), you really don't want one.

All this "where are the good women?" talk has gotten really old really fast.  (Black) men have way too much to choose from to be complaining about not finding a good woman, and women need to stop falling for the okey doke and letting men make them responsible. Men and women all saying, "where are the good ones? "  with the women saying just as often, "all the good ones are taken...or gay". 

It seems to me that there are a whole lot of "good" people out here who are walking past each other every day, even talking with each other, but can't seem to "find" each other.

My belief is this, "You attract what you are.  Not what you pretend to be.  Not what you even aspire to be.  You attract what you ARE.  What and who you are at your very core is what will reach out and pull someone toward you".  If you put on a facade and you snag a good one who fell for it.  They're a fake too.  Because if they were really what they appear to be, they would have seen through your "game".   So if you're such a good man and you can't find a decent woman???? Does that mean that all the good women you encounter don't consider you "good quality" or "marriage material"????  If good men and good women can't seem to get together, then that tells me that there are a whole lot of "good people" out here who aren't as "good" as they think they are. Or maybe, as the professional would say, "you're a great catch, but YOUR picker is off".

I have found that when people are really open and honest about what they are really looking for in a mate, THAT is usually the problem.  THAT is why you can't find it!  Half the time people are looking for something that doesn't even exist!  At least not all in one person.  We have these pictures in our minds that won't go away, male and female, and nothing in real life will ever match up to our fantasies. 


  1. I believe that there are good men and women who are single but they are not really "out there". By "out there", I mean available. I've had men say they are interested in dating and having a wife one day, but they never really made themselves available. I find that men love to hide behind text messages and FB inbox messages but won't hold a decent conversation on the telephone and definitely not in person. They send the "GM beautiful" or "Wassup Sexy" text message but won't have a conversation with substance. How else do you get to know someone? It aint gonna happen by asking me for a pic of my ta-ta's!!! And for the men who do talk, try talking about something other than how your ex-wife left you. It's pathetic and no woman wants to get to know a man who seems to still long for his ex.

    So are there good people out there??? The question is, how available are you really?

  2. You make and EXCELLENT point!
    I learned something from Steve Harvey's book about what you're talking about. The man who says he wants a wife "someday" is not really available. He has just learned that using those "key words" seems to work well enough to get a woman to hang around on the hope of "someday" or "one day" being chosen, all the while not realizing that she has fallen into his trap. You're right. He's not available. When a man is actively looking for companionship, he's not playing the "one day in the future" game. One thing I know about men for real is, once they make up their mind what or who they really want, they don't waste time or play games. It would run too much of a risk that the woman they want would get scooped up by another man. And I haven't come across a man yet who once his mind is made up, can be changed. If you manage to get him to change, it often backfires down the road.

    No nobody wants to babysit a bruised ego. If someone, male or female is still whining over the ex, then they are obviously not over the ex, plain and simple. A friend of mine recently was semi-involved with a man who was really acting like he was interested in being with her. The problem initially was that his divorce wasn't final. She told him to call her when his business was taken care of because separated or not, he was still married. Sure enough he called once his divorce was final but he spent most of their conversations talking about his ex wife. This showed my friend that he really wasn't over her, no matter what he was trying to say to her. Sure enough, after a couple of months he informed her that he was going back to his wife. What if she had fallen for the idea that he was pushing on her that he needed to talk about some things? She would have invested time,energy and emotions only to be let down by a man who was single again, by way of divorce,but not available.