HEALING WHILE YOU'RE HURTING

This healing process after my surgery has confirmed something that the Lord taught me years ago about healing. At the time it really helped me to bear the heartache that otherwise would have been completely unbearable and for some, would have driven them to end their life. I know because I considered it myself during that season.

The first 4 weeks were of course filled with a lot of discomfort, followed by straight up pains and soreness as the meds wore off. In the 3rd and 4th week I was wishing I still had some of the narcotic pain meds and that somebody would have told me I'd need them! I swore I would have kept some back had I known it would be like that 3 to 4 weeks AFTER the surgery!

I was caught off guard by the pains and went to the doctor to make sure I was okay. The nurse reassured me that these new pains were a part of the healing process. They were an indication that I was right on schedule with my healing. These "new pains" I was feeling were from ligaments and muscles "waking up", no longer under the influence of the drugs that were given to me to deaden them before they cut me open. Things were stretching back into place, tightening back up, coming back together, sometimes feeling more like they were being torn apart, and causing quite a painful stir in the process.

I had bad days out of the blue, then some really good ones. More bad days, and good until one day I woke up and knew that all of the worst is over. It was like I had been suddenly healed, but I know it didn't happen all of a sudden. The healing was happening WHILE I was hurting. The whole time I was feeling pains that stopped me in my tracks and make me moan and grunt, my body was healing.

The same is true of your emotional healing. Healing doesn't happen separately from pain. Your healing is IN your pain because it is a part of the process. With every tear you cry, you are crying tears that will never and can never be cried again. So let them flow if you have to, and through each tear, thank God that healing is taking place.

Many people miss this because they are too busy lying and trying to look stronger, and unaffected by what caused the pain but they are only cheating themselves out of the true beauty that God is trying to pull out of their ashes. Denying your pain is also denying yourself the opportunity to sense the loving Presence of the Lord, Him comforting you, embracing you, and holding you close.

I've said it before that if heartache is squeezing you, squeeze it back. Squeeze it until you get your blessing out of it. Choking back your tears and pain robs you of your blessing and how your gifts and ministry will benefit from what you've endured. Don't deny what you feel. Give it the respect that it deserves because any and everything can't just walk up on you and hurt you. If something hurts you, it's because it meant something and you can gain something from it. The whole time pain feels like it's killing you, it's actually also leaving you. So let it out, let it hurt, then let it go.

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Single Living Series: Faces of Rejection

So a funny thing happed on the way to the market today.

as I was searching for images of rejection, the majority them,

and I mean like 99% of them looked a little something like:

Because for the most part we can’t hide it when we are not interested.

But when I found the pic that best showed how rejection felt to me

and a lot of other women through the years,

most of the time, it looks more like:

 

Because of the mind games men play, and sometimes

the assumptions, reading more into things,

and jumping to conclusions that we do

 

Or sometimes it looks a little something like:

Because for some reason, for many men it’s easier for them to

dog you or disrespect you than just tell you

that they don’t want what you want...at least not with you

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Single Living Chronicles: Addiction to Rejection

Some people are more in love with being rejected than they are with the idea of being in love with someone who will love them back. I used to believe that I constantly chose men who rejected me. I learned that because I had already rejected myself, whether the man wanted to or not I was going to see to that he rejected me. Rejection was my crack. I was hooked on the heartache. Like Taylor Swift I always saw the end before it began. But more pathetic than her, I usually never saw much of a beginning. I was so ready to be in pain that I just went ahead and cut to the chase.

You can’t accuse another person of doing to you what you’ve already done to yourself long before they came along.

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Single Living Chronicles: You're Not for Him Either

Women have been told over and over how to come to the conclusion that a man is “not the one for you”.  We might want to start having conversations that teach women how to determine that you are not right for that man. He may not tell you, but if you learn a little about his behavior, you’ll see that he’s showing you all the time. You’re not the one for him, and that’s OKAY. What's not okay is allowing yourself to be emotionally dragged through the mud by a man who doesn't know how to say, "You're cool, but..."

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Single Living Chronicles: The Strong Silent Type

I used to be hopelessly drawn to, and attracted to what old Hollywood used to call the Strong Silent type. Not the prettiest (they’re nice to look at but that’s about it for me) but good looking enough, and with a certain broodiness about him that made me desire to be the one the crack his code. But what life taught me is that the Strong Silent type ain’t nothin but a brotha who’s EMOTIONALLLY UNAVAILABLE.  He can’t meet any of your needs as a woman in a romantic relationship outside of occasional mercy sex or bits and pieces of physical affection.  Always laid back waiting for you to do all the work, all the talking, all the reaching and all the loving. Breaking off crumbs every now and then when he feels you getting tired of the bs.  Where they learn that at? Reading the pimp chronicles?

Don’t fall for that foolishness ladies. Yes, some people are quiet by nature but at the same time, even a quiet man will talk to and show affection to the woman he truly cares for before he'll take a chance on losing her. Stop laying your body down as some kind of deposit for a sentence, a few words. Everybody talks to somebody and if he talks to nobody, he might be a good candidate for a future episode of Criminal Minds.

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Single Living Chronicles: His Loss? Not Necessarily!

When men reject us, because we simply are not what they are looking for, we console each other by saying, “It’s HIS loss”.  Uh….sweetie, not if he didn’t want you to begin with. You can’t lose something you never wanted to keep in the first place. You just let it go.

So in reality, even though it’s painful at first, it’s not his loss, or yours.

It’s just that neither of you was God’s best for the other. How bout dat?

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Give Thanks

God sees all and knows all. He sees when you’re in a situation that is not set up to be fair to you or that is not in your overall, long run best interest. He sees every underhanded thing that happens to you and he hears the conversations that bring those underhanded things about. He knows all of the policies that are in place that work against you, that rob you of energy, money, time.

He also sees when in the midst of dealing with those things, you remain thankful to Him. He sees your faithfulness and He’s waiting for the cry of your heart to come up to Him. 

In sending your answer it may even seem like something worse has happened, but as the smoke clears you will see that he orchestrated whatever it was just to free you up to receive the thing that your grateful heart has positioned you to receive. 

Your flesh may scream so loudly that there is nothing to be thankful for in your situation, but that’s not true. (IN everything, give thanks. I Thessalonians 5:18) Notice that the scripture does not say FOR everything, but IN everything, which simply means that no matter what you are having to walk through, there is something to give thanks to God for. When you are thankful for what He has already done, and are bold enough to ask Him for what you desire, you place yourself in the center of obedience to His word (Philippians 4:6) and He HAS to honor His Word because He CANNOT lie. He will come through for you.

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The ONE Who Prays For You

Don’t underestimate the power in your own mouth, even in times of crisis when you don’t know WHAT to pray. Remember that death and life are in the power of your tongue. You may not have a “dear heavenly Father, I come to You”, kind of prayer, but open your mouth and SPEAK LIFE. Speak what you DESIRE and what God PROMISED, not what you see. Talk to God about who you know He is.  Sometimes you’re asking people to pray for you, with you, etc, and guess what?  THEY don’t know what to pray either!  They have to seek the help of the Spirit to even know HOW to pray for you!  

But the bible has you covered:

Romans 8:26 (KJV) (Also read the MSG translation)

Likewise the Spirit also helpeth our infirmities: for we know not what we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered.

By all means call on the prayer warriors, your pastor, etc. The bible does say that the "effectual fervent prayer of the righteous avails much". But more than anything, call on the Holy Spirit. He’s the HELP that we ALL need. He’s the teacher. He will remind you of what you already know about God and this will help you know how to approach God in prayer, even in a crisis situation. And He’s the one, when no words come to mind, even about your own life, your own marriage, your own child, who knows exactly what needs to be said to the Father. He will help you pray, teach you to pray, pray through you, and when you can’t open your mouth, pray FOR you. You are truly covered in prayer by the Holy Spirit.

The beautiful thing about the Holy Spirit making intercession for us is that He does it without our asking for it. The bible doesn’t say that if we ask Him to do it He will do it. It simply says that He makes intercession. It’s a given. It’s a part of His job description, and it’s what we should thank Him for on a daily basis, because that's when He does it, not just in crisis. Whether you feel like you’re batting a thousand or like you've been run over by a Mac truck; whether you feel like you can take on the world or like you feel like the weight of the world is on you, He makes intercession. He stays before the Father on your behalf, because that’s just what He does. There are days, like today for instance, that I am extremely thankful for the fact that I have someone standing before the throne of God on my behalf. 

Divorced and Better Than Ever

1.  Divorce is a type of death: It’s the death of something that we thought or hoped would live forever...our marriage. (According to scripture the only death that should occur in marriage is the death of one of the spouses, not the marriage itself.) The difference between the death of a marriage and the death of a person though is, depending on the situation, you might think that it would have been better if the former spouse had just DIED. But instead you have to see them, deal with them about the children, the financial issues that need to be settled, etc. So basically you’re dealing with a dead situation, but with a live person that you may sometimes wish was dead.

2.  Time to cry/grieve: Allow yourself to grieve. In the Five Stages of Grief, this first phase is called DENIAL/SHOCK. At first, you may not feel any grief, sadness or regret, and it may cause you to believe that you are unaffected, or like God is “supernaturally carrying you through”.  *But this is actually just a part of the process. After that initial phase of denial/shock/euphoria passes you will begin to feel a wide range of emotions. Don’t think that just because you’re the one who left, that you won’t grieve. Grief is a natural response to the death of something. What are you grieving? Loss. Loss of what??? Because you might say that YOU were the one who left and you have no regrets. Even with no regrets there is still a grieving of the loss. Loss of what you hoped for. Loss of what should have happened. Loss of what marriage is supposed to be. Loss of all that you imagined. Loss of the good it was before it went bad. Loss of YOUR marriage because now, you have become a statistic.

However it hits you, let it hit, whether in quiet tears or like a Mack truck. Let it out. Let it hurt. Let it go. This is not the time to try to be brave, or to try to be what you may think bravery looks like. You already are brave. You were either brave enough to make the difficult decision to end something that never should have started, or to walk away from something that was draining the life out of you, or you were brave enough to keep living after being left by the one you thought would always be there for you. Holding back the grief doesn’t make you more spiritual, but makes you more of a ticking time bomb that’s going to go off on the wrong person at the wrong time and in the wrong place. Holding it back causes roots of bitterness to grow from not having dealt with the hurt properly.

3.  Pray for healing and choose to forgive: When you feel hurt, pray for healing. When you feel anger or rage, confess forgiveness. To forgive is a CHOICE. It’s the choice you make in response to the COMMAND to forgive. In your flesh you can’t forgive. But the power to succeed is in the command to do. This is basically saying that even if you don’t have the ability to do something, once God asks you to do it, the ability to do it in IN the command to do it. All that is required is your obedience. The ability is not something you can receive by a cloud coming into your room and surrounding you, or some out of body experience. It’s not something anyone else, even God can do for you.  But God gives you the grace to forgive. A key to forgiveness is that if you’re waiting for the hurt and anger to stop before you forgive, you’ll never forgive. Depending on your fragile emotions that can change with the wind will keep you in a place of constant pain, anger and bitterness.

4.  Embrace your new normal:

a.   You may find yourself feeling more isolated than ever. Suddenly it is just you, or you and your little ones, and you may find yourself in a place where you expected more support than what you are receiving. This can come as a surprise and it can really be hurtful, but there are blessings in your isolation waiting to be bestowed upon you.

b.  The greatest blessing, I believe is that you can get to know yourself outside of a relationship…outside of being attached to someone who can heavily influence or maybe even control what you do. You need to know who YOU are. Learn the sound of your OWN thoughts inside your OWN head! What do you like or dislike? Narrow it all down to who you really are without any input from another person. For many of us, this is something we failed to do prior to marriage. Shortly after my divorce I began to notice this happening to me. I was mildly surprised the first few times I heard myself think, “I don’t like that”. I had to pause and allow myself to HEAR myself. I heard myself say or think that I didn’t like something ALL BY MYSELF!  There was no influence from my husband or anybody at church. It was just me saying, “I don’t’ like that”. It was amazing.

5.  Let God talk to you about YOU: Who you are in God is not predicated upon whether or not you have a husband. That is a requirement, stipulation, or restriction we place on ourselves. It does NOT come from God. If you believe that you need a husband in order to be all God has created and ordained you to be, you will put your life on hold, waiting for a man to come along and validate you and give you permission to do what God ordained you to do before the foundations of the earth were laid. Our relationships with God and His assignments on our lives are personal. If it is His Will for you to work with a husband in ministry, you will. But that doesn’t mean your husband has to come and say that it’s okay. God is the one who gives the OK. You need to be walking in your call. Your true mate is in your calling, your assignment. Your mate is in your PURPOSE.  If a man can give you your calling, he can take it back from you. If he can give you permission, he can shut you down.

6.  Ask God questions about EVERYTHING!: Here are some examples of things to ask Him about. Let Him teach you about what you could have done differently. This is not saying that what happened is your fault, but with any failed test you want to find out what answers you got wrong, because you want to be better prepared for the next test. It may be an issue with your study habits, or maybe you rushed through it, etc. The answer to this question may take you back to who you married to begin with. Why did you marry them? What was your state of mind? What were your thoughts and beliefs about yourself? If you discover negative thoughts or beliefs about yourself, ask Him to help you change those thoughts. He may go back to your childhood and point out to you the very moment your thinking shifted for the negative. What were your expectations going into it? Allow Him to teach you if any of those expectations were unrealistic? Were you expecting your spouse to fill a void that only God can fill?  Did you marry someone who was expecting that of you? Ask God about your own behavior during the marriage. A lot of our behavior is shaped by our beliefs and expectations. This is why many are over before they start, doomed from the giddy up. Ask Him about anything you want that has to do with relationships, and what you need to know and understand about yourself, and who you are and who you were created to be. Allow this time for God to help you to get acquainted with yourself and make the necessary adjustments that will help you walk in wholeness.

When I Got Tired (pt 1)

After so many years, pretty much the entire marriage, of doing everything I thought I should do to be enough for him, I finally realized that I wasn’t the one who was crazy. Maybe I was crazy, but I wasn’t the only one who was. The difference between me and him, I discovered, was that I wanted to be better. I wanted to grow. I felt like there was more to life, like there should be some happiness. I guess he was happy with things the way they were and couldn’t understand what my problem was. I suppose that whatever he envisioned for his life, either we had it, or we had exceeded it, and he was completely satisfied. But I was dying and it was because that marriage and my overall environment was slowly killing me.

When I was 7 months pregnant with our baby, he was frustrated because I had only let him touch me once since my 3^rd month.  I had shut down.  I was constantly thinking about how to get out. I had planned to leave sooner but when I found out I was pregnant, I felt it would be better to stay with him until after the baby was born. I was extremely depressed, and I didn’t know how high my blood pressure was due to him worrying me so badly.  One day I was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen and he was in the family room. We were having another disagreement, probably about money, and I felt the atmosphere change again and began to get quiet.  This angered him more and he said, “Let me get out of this house before I have to hurt somebody”.  Excuse me?  Ain’t nobody here but you, me, with your baby in my belly, and our 1 year old daughter.  Who the hell are you gonna HURT!!!!   Your pregnant wife?  Your unborn child?  Your toddler? WTH! When he said it he walked past me to leave, and with one hand he did a huge sweep and everything on the breakfast counter went flying all over the kitchen floor. I froze.  And that moment I said to myself, “he just gave me my way out”.

You might wonder why I felt like I needed a “way out”.  If I wanted to leave, I was a grown woman.  Why not just leave?  My answer is upbringing,  environment, religious teaching.  We were taught that women didn’t leave their husbands.  It wasn’t even an option or something to be brought up unless the woman was being referred to as a Jezebel type, or a woman who had walked away from God.  We were taught to stay there and pray and try to do all the right things and wait on God to work it out. Because of my upbringing it was embedded in me that I was responsible for making it right. So I’d concluded that what I needed was for him to give me a “reason”, and this incident became my reason, my grounds.  What I’d really wished for years was that he would cheat on me or at least get caught cheating on me.  But I guess if I was going to use some kind of sexual misconduct as grounds for divorce I should have done it years before when he behaved inappropriately with a few family members.

He came back a little while later (for some reason I was still sitting in that spot, probably petrified) and stood next to me and asked what I wanted.  Did I want to separate? (as if that was a standard question to ask at that time)  I wanted to separate because I knew it was my avenue to divorce.  But I thought against saying it at the moment because he was still angry.  His eyes still had that slightly crazed look in them, and the atmosphere around him hadn’t shifted back just yet.  I didn’t say anything and decided to wait until he calmed down. To be honest, I believe I heard the Holy Spirit advise me not to say anything until he was completely calmed down.  It took a few months but it finally happened.

You see, I didn’t need to tell him that I wanted to separate from him while he was angry. That wouldn’t be safe. I had to wait it out. That one blow up let me know that it would only be a matter of time before I would have my moment, my open door. I was also still considering that I wanted to wait until after the baby was born. I went through my last two months of pregnancy, labor and delivery, and when she was about 4 months old it happened. The newness of the baby had begun to wear off, and there had been more frustration with me not allowing him to touch me. The first and only time he tried, I pushed him off. I decided once and for all that if I’m not going to let him touch me, I should leave. I thought it would be downright cruel to live in the house with a man and refuse him sexually, especially since we were married.

One day we were riding in the car, having just left my brother’s house and he asked again what I wanted to do and if I wanted to separate. I was still cautious until I could clearly hear his tone of voice and sense the atmosphere in the car. It was interesting how he was saying all the things that it seemed he thought he should say at the moment.  It was like he thought he was playing the role in a drama that he had seen other people play, and he had it down pat. I didn’t feel that he was reaching out to me from his heart.  I felt like he was going through all the lines he knew he should say, and then I would say what I was supposed to say, and then we would make up, and then he would get to go to church and preach about it.  But he had no idea. When he stopped talking I quietly said, “I want to separate”.  He also had no idea that my statement that I wanted to separate was loaded.  I knew that for me, separating was an automatic first step to getting my divorce and finally being free of him. It seemed as if he was both surprised and not so surprised when I told him I wanted to separate. He still knew the next set of lines he would need to say, so he began to ask me questions about how long we should be apart, and did I want to go stay with my mother for a few days, or maybe his mother. Not once did he volunteer to leave, especially considering that the babies would be with me.  This was the first sign that as much as he wanted to make me believe he loved me, he loved something else a lot more. Throughout our whole ordeal of separation and divorce he had no clue that I was listening to his statements and responses and coming to understand that he didn’t love me nearly as much as he loved his image with me, the image we created together, or better yet, that I created of us, and the things he’d been able to obtain as a result of being with me. His first love wasn’t me or even God, it was money.  So I figured, “Fine.  You can have it. The house, everything. But you’ll never touch me again”. 

Single Life Series: Your Desperate Need For Me

Whether I was having a good day or bad days there was one thing that I wished for: a husband. When things seemed to be going well, or better, my immediate thought would be that I wished I had someone with me to share it with, to celebrate with me. When things were not going well I would always think that it would be more bearable if someone was there for me to talk to, or cry on his shoulder and hear him tell me it was going to be okay.  That was on the surface though, but God knew the very intent of my heart in those times of thinking that having a husband with me would make things better or easier. I also used to complain about the fact that I had to go through so much hard stuff alone. I really was surprised at how hard life could be on me, a single mother. I don't know. I guess I assumed that my trials would not be as strong as the trials of a man and when the weight of the things I was going through would sit on me, I often said to God, "This feels like something a MAN should have to deal with!  I'm a WOMAN and a woman shouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff! This is too much!  I ain't no MAN!" I couldn't believe the Lord was allowing things to happen to me on the level that they were happening. And then to top it off He didn't even give me a husband to help carry the load?! This was some bull!

But one day the Lord answered my cry for help, or complaint, whatever it actually was, maybe both. He said, "Having a husband won't diminish your desperate need for me. You think that if you have a husband you won't need me as much but you will, and so will he.  As a matter of fact, he needs me as much as you do and when he marries you and takes on you and your daughters he will feel that he needs me even more because he becomes responsible for more. He will be crying out to me even more. No matter how anointed he is he will still need me desperately as you will. When you get married your husband won't always be there for you.  He may be at work when you need him or he may be away with ministry. He might be right there with you and still not understand what you're dealing with or how you feel, so you will still need me."  
Well shut my mouth. Wow.

Is there something or someone that you are hoping or wishing for, because you think that when it shows up, you will suddenly have to pray less, or spend less time seeking after God? Do you believe like I did, that a good husband or wife, will ease your need for God? As much as we all need money to run our households and take care of our families, do you think that a big enough income will lessen your need for God? Or as He put it, "your desperate need" for Him?  Look at this definition of the word, desperate.

DESPERATE: 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair, hopelessness, or urgency 2.having an urgent need, desire, etc. 3.leaving little or no 

hope; very serious or dangerous:

This is how serious our need for God is.  Without Him guiding and protecting us our lives would be reckless, hopeless. Our need for Him is always urgent and a serious matter. This isn't something that a human can come along and love you enough to do away with. There is comfort to be found in human touch, friendship, and companionship, even the love of a faithful spouse. But for all that they do they will never "diminish our desperate need for God". We must never make the mistake of believing that something or someone can serve as a substitute for the real thing. How many times have you hoped, wished, prayed for something, only to receive it and feel like something was still missing? This is because of the void, the hole that God placed in our hearts for Himself when He created us. It will never be satisfied by anything or anyone other them Him. We must never forget or become confused about where our help comes from. Our help comes from the LORD!

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Why Would God Send You Back?

By the time I walked out of that marriage I felt like the Lord was standing at the door next to my bags, waiting to escort me out. It was this experience that taught me that the as long as I was willing to stay, He helped me and gave me grace. When it became clear that I was the only one really putting forth the effort to try and create a truly healthy marriage, and I felt released to leave, and I decided I wanted to live instead of continuing to die that slow death, He supported me and gave me grace. I have told people that when I left I was running for my life. Not because I had been being physically abused but because I was dying on the inside. The life and strength had almost completely been drained from my body.

Even so, because of my background and upbringing, I still had this fear that "God will make me go back".  I knew how I was raised and what our beliefs were. I was well aware of the teaching I had sat under my whole life. Even in my separation I was subjected to things being said in church services that were directed at me personally. I was spoken to more than once about going back, but I knew I couldn't if I wanted to live. It was very difficult for a while but like I said, God gave me grace to go through it. Even with the grace that had been extended to me to make it through I would have thoughts of "What if God tells me to go back? I'll have to do it if He tells me to!"  It worried me to the point that I even had nightmares about it. The feeling of dread and doom in those dreams was so real. I was so glad to wake up after each one! 

I sat in my pastor's office about 3 months or so after the separation and I expressed this concern to him.  He said something to me that set me free from that fear. He said to me, "Why would God send you back into a situation that hasn't changed?" I received so much validation from this. It let me know that whatever he believed at first about my separation, he had seen enough to know that nothing had changed for the better, and certainly not enough for me to feel like I could or should go back.  It let me know that I wasn't alone. Somebody saw me, and at some point had gotten a good clear look at what I had been dealing with. 

Well that conversation took a load off my chest and helped me to stop worrying about whether or not I would find myself having to walk back into that house. It let me know that I didn't have to and that doing so would return me to what I had been set free from. I will be very honest with you though, and tell you that it took years to stop having those bad dreams. I left that house in 1999 and I'm pretty sure that it was about 2013 or early 2014 before I had my last nightmare about it. Mind you, he remarried several years after our divorce but the bad dreams continued even past that point. 

Many people were raised in an environment similar to mine, that taught that you work it out or work on it no matter what.  In many cases it leaves one person doing pretty much all the work to salvage a relationship or create a healthy one while the other one continues to do whatever it is they've been doing.  It is so frustrating and hurtful to want more out of life and to be bound to someone who feels like whatever they have at the moment is enough.  This can create such a tug of war in the home and in your mind and emotions.  It can cause one to be very suspicious of the other. It can bring every insecurity to the surface and it can literally be a source of torment for the one whose heart and soul is crying out for more. Not to mention if there is some form of abuse happening.

I just want to share with you what was shared with me. I don't care who may be butting in where they really don't belong.  I don't care what they've seen before or what is going on or has happened in their own life. They are not you and their situation is not the same as yours. Even if it is very similar, you are different people, so they are in no position to tell you to "go back home", or to keep trying, or what you ought to be doing.  One person can only do so much without the help of the other to make a peaceful home. 

Some people will even lie on God by putting Him into what they are trying to convince you of. They'll even have dreams and feel that they need to share with you what "God showed them about your situation".  This is why it's very important to quiet yourself so that you can continue to hear Him clearly.  Shut out every other voice and stay before Him so that you can grow in your sensitivity to Him and His leading. You may be dealing with what I dealt with, people saying things publicly directing their comments toward you. One man in particular who did this to me didn't realize that his own wife was watching me, admiring my strength, and filed for divorce from him just a few years after my divorce. He had no clue that his own house was torn in two while he was throwing instructions to me in the microphone from across the sanctuary. Another young minister sat down with me sharing with me how the Lord helped him to love his wife after he had felt like they shouldn't be together. Some years later I found out that they were no longer together and I'll leave it at that. Don't be deceived into second-guessing yourself by people who may not realize that their own marriage is on life support.

Don't fall for the okie doke. Look at the situation and see it for exactly what it is. Don't see it for what you hoped it would be, what you know it should be, what it started out as, or even what the bible says it's supposed to be.  See it for WHAT IT IS and deal with it accordingly. If you know it hasn't changed, ask yourself the same question that was asked me, "Why would God send me back into a situation that hasn't changed?" Did He not rescue you out of it? Have you not felt Him holding you together when you would have fallen apart without Him?  

I'm not saying that no separation can be worked out so that the relationship can be saved and even made better. I know two couples that were divorced for up to two years but the marriages were healed and restored when the necessary changes were made for the better. They are more in love now than ever. Many couples have survived affairs and other types of abuse.  But it wasn't without major change. Whatever you do, don't look at it and see the same behavior that sent you packing, and still go back for whatever reason. And please don't blame God if you do, for He has called us to peace.

There is a saying, "Your ex is your ex for a reason." Even if you're tempted to go back for whatever reason, think about why you left and ask yourself if it's worth it to go back to the same situation. God doesn't operate in fear so if you're afraid that you might have to return to it, let that be a sure sign that it's NOT coming from Him. Walk in your freedom. Enjoy your peace of mind. Allow Him to complete the work in you that He started that work before you even walked away from that unhealthy relationship. That season ended but a much better one has begun. Let Him show you!

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: The Kind of Man You've Asked Me For Won't Tolerate That

Often when you go to God and ask Him to help you with something, or ask Him for something, He will begin to talk to you about things that seem to be completely unrelated to what you asked Him about or asked Him for!  He's not crazy. He didn't change the subject. He heard you. He IS answering you.  He's trying to teach you that there is a LOT more involved than what you may think, and until you allow Him to reveal those things to you, you will never be in a position to receive what you've asked for. This is especially important for Single Christians to learn.

I've had my "list" as I'm sure most other singles who desire marriage have had. Attractive. Sense of humor. Certain height. Certain build. Love God. Respectful. Strong communicator. Romantic. He has to be this or that, or not this and certainly not that. He should at least do or have this or that. I need him to be able to do such and such at least sometimes.  These are pretty generic desires that if you were to look at every woman's list, they would be on it.  As I grew in my relationship with God and learned more about Him and myself, my list changed and so did my "type".  Some things ceased to be as important to me as they had been before. I even became more specific about some things that I hadn't thought of before, because I didn't know myself as well.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has made adjustments to my list over time. Then again there may be others who made one list and never had to change a thing, and you received the desires of your heart. Whether you write it out and tuck it under your mattress like one young lady told me she did, or whether you sleep with it under your pillow, keep it in a notebook, or whether you carry it around in your bible or carry it in your heart, you have your "list". 

I believe that a major mistake many people make is that after we make our list, we set about finding someone who only fits that list.  We think that if he or she shows up and we see something that we didn't list, that must not be the right person. We even go so far as to keep telling ourselves and each other not to settle for less than what we asked God for. Let me pause and say this as a reminder to those of us who believe: When God answers prayers He never stops at just what we asked.  Even the scriptures refer to Him as the one who "is able to to exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20) so that should be enough to let us know that when the answer to prayer shows up it will always be more than we imagined when we prayed, and actually may not look quite like what we imagined. People are often accused of being too picky when it comes to choosing who they feel is right for them.  The sad thing about our pickiness is that it can have the opposite effect of what we think. Being too picky sometimes leads us to settle for less when we think that we are not settling at all by holding out for the better. Being too picky keeps us more narrow minded than we believe we are.  It actually keeps us from the "exceeding abundantly above" that God has for us in a mate. We limit ourselves to our list, not understanding that the person who fits God's plan for our lives is that list and a whole lot more. 

We limit ourselves to specific characteristics not understanding that a whole person is a person of a certain character. People don't operate in individual characteristics. Those characteristics pour out of a full character, a whole person who is living a certain way of life. This brings me to the next thing that I want to share with you that God said to me. 

I had been talking so much to the Lord about what I wanted in a mate.  I was so specific about everything I could think of, not wanting to leave anything to chance. I was also very stubborn in my heart toward God because of my frustrations with Him. I had a habit of back-talking Him about what I felt about how He was handling things for me.  I always seemed to have something to say before I got around to doing what He wanted. It was easy for me to express my disagreement with His process, to let Him know that I'd expected more from Him than what He was doing. I'd had my ideas about how my life would and should look and I'd always expected Him to make it happen, and when I wasn't seeing what I'd always imagined, I let Him know that I was disappointed in HIM.

One day while I was doing some of my good back-talking He said to me, "The kind of man you've asked me for won't tolerate that." He was talking about my strong will and my attitude toward Him.  I've said in another post that your relationship with God will be a mirror of your relationship with your mate.  He is the one who teaches us how to relate to one another by how He relates to us, and showing us the truth about how we relate to Him.  The Lord knew the kind of man that I found most attractive so He was actually trying to help me out.  He didn't say that he "won't like it" or "won't appreciate it". He said he "won't tolerate it". So basically, the teaching moment was saying to me that if a man like that was going to be in my life, I'd have to make some adjustments to the way I communicated and responded to situations. 

What I love about God is that He didn't tell me that I couldn't have someone like what I wanted.  He didn't tell me I wasn't good enough. He just let me know that if I desire to be with someone like that, I would have to be someone that someone like that would take notice of and be attracted to and it had nothing to do with my outward appearance, but with my behavior. Even if he was drawn to me for my appearance, once that behavior showed up, he'd be turned off. This was an opportunity for growth in how I communicate my feelings and thoughts, even when, and especially when I'm disappointed or am not in agreement with something. Understand, that for many men, the way I behaved up until that point wouldn't be an issue. They might be able to love me right through it, work their way around it and never leave me. But I wasn't asking God for many men. I was asking Him for specifics and He just let me know that these particular characteristics in him won't tolerate these particular characteristics in me.

What I love about God is that He didn't tell me that I couldn't have someone like what I wanted.  He didn't tell me I wasn't good enough. He just let me know that if I desire to be with someone like that, I would have to be someone that someone like that would take notice of and be attracted to and it had nothing to do with my appearance, but with my behavior. Even if he was initially drawn to me for my appearance, once that behavior showed up, he'd be turned off. If he thought I was the prettiest woman in them room, one conversation could make me the ugliest. If he didn't think I was the prettiest woman in the room, a conversation with me might heighten his attraction to me because of who I show him I am on the inside.

You see, we are good at making lists and laying them before God, but we don't always realize that a person like what we described is attracted to certain characteristics in a mate.  If you don't possess those characteristics that person you are looking for may never cross your path or if they do, may never look at you twice.  You may notice them but they may not notice you. You may even have a conversation with them and hear everything you've prayed for, but if they don't hear the same from you, they will be fine not to ever speak to you again. People who live on a certain level or who are of a certain character don't like some things. They like other things. They aren't comfortable in some places or may be comfortable in places that make you uncomfortable. They behave differently, and live every single day, a certain way. They have pet peeves, likes and dislikes. They have things that they can deal with and other things that they absolutely will not tolerate. This principle is true in choosing a mate as well as in choosing a career.  You can't go just anywhere and behave or even dress just any kind of way, and then say, 

"This is just the way I am and they just need to accept me for who I am" or "If you love me you'll accept me and love me for who I am". Though that is true, it is only true to a certain extent.

What have you asked God for?  What's on your list?  Does it seem like God is talking to you about everything except what you have on your list? Well of course He is!  The list has already been established. Now He needs to teach you about the supporting cast to the list, all of the other characteristics that you didn't think of that make up the whole person. For instance, the kind of mate you've asked God for may need a clean kitchen. Do you keep a clean kitchen or do you just clean once in a while? Or it could be the opposite. You could be preparing by learning to keep a spotless home but when the one you've asked God for comes, it may be that he does most of the cleaning or cooking. I know a few women who don't have to cook at all! In a situation like this you may find yourself lacking in an area that you didn't know you needed to prepare in.  God knows everything about everybody so when He seems to change the subject on you, it's best to follow His instructions. 

Understand that just as you have a list, that person, your type,  has a list also.  They are asking God for certain things too.  This is not to discourage you into giving up on your desires but to encourage you to allow God to develop you into a better version of yourself.  This is not to say you're not "good enough" per se, but we are all constantly growing and as you allow Him to grow, mature, and stretch you, you will be a happier more fulfilled individual with or without that certain person in your life. Believe it or not, this is God's desire for all of us, to be whole happy, and fulfilled whether someone else is there or not. I'll call this His ulterior motive. It is ALWAYS to better YOU for YOU FIRST.

Our true desires come from the One who is able to fulfill them. But just as you have to prepare yourself to have a certain kind of career by educating yourself, it's the same with preparing for the kind of mate you desire. If you truly desire to have a certain career, you don't find out how much education and training you need and then say, "Oh I'll never be good enough to be that".  Instead you choose to do the work, go to school, get the education and training so that you can have the fulfillment of that desire.

We go to school and take so many courses that we say we will never use in real life.  But those courses are necessary and even if you may not use those specific math problems ever again in real life, you need to understand that you will use the skills you learned in those courses. You learned to reason. You learned to see patterns. You learned to solve problems. You learned how to research. You learned how to think a certain way and it is those skills that you will go on to use in everyday life. Those courses helped to shape your character.

To my fellow Single Christians I say, whatever life courses the Lord has you taking right now, trust that they are needed, even if they seem totally unrelated to what you have in your heart.  Preparing for marriage is about way more than learning to cook, keep a clean house, keep a job, who will handle the money, and how you will handle disciplining the children. Submit to God's process and understand that as He prepares you to receive what you've asked Him for, more importantly at the same time, He's simultaneously, preparing you to also be able to live without it. When that person comes they will be so much more than you had in mind when you prayed. But more importantly, before they even show up or even if they never show up, you will be so much more than you thought you were.  This is also a part of the "exceeding abundantly above", for He will exceed your expectations not just of a spouse, but of yourself.

I do not own the pic used in this post. Source: into30.com