My heart has been so heavy today and this weekend for many reasons. So many things I am unable to do as a mother and have not been able to do. But as I read what someone said about not being able to conceive and the heartache she feels every single Mother's Day, I was reminded of the pain I used to feel every year during this time as well. It reminded me that things have been worse for me that there are others who are hurting worse than I am today.
There are no words to adequately describe the pain of the empty womb. It wasn't just on Mother's Day though, but every holiday. I had no one to shop for, to buy school clothes for, to buy Easter outfits for, to listen to their speeches, or buy Christmas presents for. And on Mother's Day I had to endure people wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and telling me that I was a mother because I was a mother to the youth I worked with. It wasn't the same. It wasn't enough. It didn't take the pain away, or lessen it in the least. The pain was not only every holiday but also, really, every month. Every month I suffered an emotional miscarriage. Some months I would be late enough to think I was pregnant, as much as 12 days late, but for 13 years, even though late at times, it still showed up, reminding once again that I was not pregnant. It mocked me. It told me that I wasn't good enough. That God couldn't trust me with a little one. It took me a while to finally realize that those were lies. It had nothing to do with me not being good enough, or not having God's favor, or not being fit for motherhood. Nothing whatsoever. In everything we deal with in life, God has a purpose, and a plan. That's all it's about. Whatever His perfect plan and purpose is.
I just want to say to every woman who is a mother in your heart, but not in manifestation, don't think that you're not good enough. Don't listen to any thought that tells you that something is wrong with you. Don't think that God can't trust you with a child. It has nothing to do with those negative things. I understand your pain today. I've felt it. I understand the tears. I've wept them. I understand the doubts and the thoughts you grapple with. I understand wishing people wouldn't say anything to you today, and just waiting until the stroke of midnight so that this day can finally be over. I understand what it's like to live between the frustrations of people telling you it's going to happen someday, and trying to learn to accept that it will not, or may not. Sometimes you just want them all the shut up.
Some of you will eventually conceive and some of you never will. It's okay either way. Cry whatever tears you have to cry whenever you have to cry them. But then dry your eyes, and live the gift of life God has given you. Make the most of every advantage you have as NOT having children. Take advantage of the freedoms you have. I know it might sound harsh today, and if it does, come back and read this again another day. It will sink in better then. The void will always be there on days like today and other key days during the year. It's a wonder how we have been able to bear the aching.
Whether you ever give birth to your own physical child or not, I would encourage you to always remember to allow God to get the most out of your time. Allow Him to maximize the freedoms you have without children to consider. As a single woman, I have to do the same thing without a husband. Whatever state we are in, it affords us some freedoms that people who have what we don't have, don't have. Allow God to keep before you and settle in your heart that even with this void, this pain, your life is a blessing and the very state you're in, even today, is a GIFT. Allow Him to teach you to cherish it and be ever reminded that He cherishes you, even in the midst of a longing and pain that He has trusted you and Graced you to endure.