The Pain of Recovery

Bishop Jakes said, "Sometimes the pain of recovery can hurt worse than the pain of the injury."

He ain't nevva lied on that one. The healing process can be deceiving because the healing can be so painful that it makes you think that the opposite is happening. But the Lord has had to remind me of something He said to me years ago, "The whole time you're hurting, you're healing. Whatever is squeezing you, squeeze it back until you squeeze your blessing out of it". Like in childbirth, it's not easy to bear down on the same pain that's so unbearable. But you've got a baby in there trying to come out. The pain means, HE/SHE IS COMING! So you have to COOPERATE with the pain, TEAM UP with the pain, in order to birth what's in you trying desperately to get out and that the enemy is trying just as desperately to kill before it gets out.

It's not so much YOU that he's trying to kill. It's what's IN you. I'm reminded of Job when the devil went to God for permission to attack him. God told him, "Just don't touch his LIFE". In other words, you can kill everybody close to him. Kill everything that belongs to him. But you CAN'T KILL HIM. 

It's the same with you and I. He's not trying to kill YOU, because He knows He can't get that kind of permission from God. Honestly, he doesn't have as much a problem with you being alive as he does with you being effective, productive, relevant, encouraged. So if he can kill what's IN you, your drive, determination, passion and your very faith, by killing everything around you, what belongs to you, getting in as many relationships as possible and killing those, that's what he's after anyway. He wants to convince you that you are left with nothing to live for, and he wants you to blame God for it. 

What did Job's wife say to him? That it would be better for him to CURSE GOD and DIE. Why not just die? Because the enemy didn't go to God and tell him that if he allowed him to take away everything from him he would die. He said he would curse God. THAT'S what that whole book was about, getting Job, or trying to get Job to curse God. But Job passed the test. Yes, he cursed the day he was born, but that brother didn't curse his GOD. Instead he BLESSED HIM. Even when the ONE person close to him who survived all the calamities, was the one who offered the so called solution to his problem: Curse God and die. Even when his friends came and sat with him and pretty much accused him of being unrighteous, or hiding some kind of sin which brought all this upon himself. He passed the test. With all they claimed to know about God, they didn't know that sometimes God will turn the devil loose on you. They didn't know that some storms of life, some trials can't be rebuked away because even though they came from the devil, they came with God's specific signature of approval and instructions. They didn't understand that sometimes, some things only happen so that God will have a stage on which to perform. Even with a bit of rebuke from God like, "Hold on Job. Who you think you talkin to bruh?", he still passed the test. Because he didn't curse his HELP. The Lord Himself became Job's "cheat sheet", and helped him to NOT do the very thing that satan wanted him to do. With the passing of the test came double everything he'd lost.

But don't think that in the mean time Job didn't have to go through the healing. Those sores had to HEAL. The bible doesn't talk about "immediately" or "straightway" his sores were healed. So it's safe to believe that his physical healing was a process. A painful, uncomfortable, inconvenient, itchy (because when sores heal they ITCH) process. The twice as many cattle didn't just magically appear. He had to start somewhere and mate animals and wait for them to be birthed, with each mama animal experiencing the discomfort of those births.

Somebody had to give birth to all those children who replaced the ones he lost. Nobody carried all of those babies at once. Unless there was a multiple birth in there somewhere, each of those babies was carried separately, birthed individually, each with their own pain to the mom.

I've never really known of a preacher/teacher who likes to talk about Job.  There seems to always be this behind-the-scenes fear that if they preach about him they'll end up suffering on another level because of it. But we're so silly. We're suffering anyway! A brother like Job can help us to understand better what's happening, and why it's REALLY happening and the kind of outcome we can look forward to.

There's something about the severity of pain that can distract you to the point of blindness and deafness, where you can't see the hand of God in the situation, or hear Him as clearly as you would without the pain. But by the time that same pain begins to subside, it can also HELP you see and hear God more clearly than you would have without the pain. Imagine that! There's something about the severity of pain that will make you go from cursing the day you(or someone else) were born to being eternally thankful and grateful that God saw fit collaborate with the devil to rip your heart out.  But you have to past the tests first, and there are two of them: The pain of the injury, AND the pain of recovery.

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SINGLE LIFE SERIES: I Love Him Just as Much as I Love You

Stuff God Said To Me: "I love him just as much as I love you."

This facial expression pretty much sums up my reaction to those words from the Lord.

After my separation and divorce I admit that I was very angry, became quite bitter, and carried some hatred and unforgiveness for a long time.  I had plenty of good reasons for leaving but there were so many things that I didn't see until after I left.  Some things would dawn on me and hit me so hard that all I could do was go and lie down to regain my strength. I recall lying down and waking up an hour and a half  to two hours later. No other area of my life, no matter how troubling or painful has ever taken strength from my body the way that issues with my ex did. Sometimes I would be talking to someone about something concerning him and suddenly it was like a light was turned on, and something that I hadn't paid any attention to during the entire marriage would become so clear, and I would just shut down. There were no words I could say, prayers I could pray or anything. I just had to go sleep it off. With every revelation of something that hurt me or angered me, I became more disgusted with him. 

I've told you that I carried hatred but honestly I didn't really know that I hated him until after God healed me to the point that I could release it.  Until that point, I didn't care if he lived or died and quite frankly I spent quite a bit of time wishing he were dead or would die and just be done with it. I sometimes envisioned how he would die. I remember wishing he would simply disappear. I despised the fact that I was connected to him through our two daughters and if only he would just cease to exist...yeah, I absolutely hated him. In the beginning though I never said I hated him. I was saved for crying out loud! Instead what I said, and and convinced myself of was, "I don't hate him, I just don't have any respect for him whatsoever." As a woman I can tell you that to lose respect for a man is about as low as he can get as far as your opinion is concerned, but there's also a fine line between losing respect and hatred. For a man to cause a woman to lose respect for him, he has to get her to the point that hatred is so close to what she feels, she really needs to do some praying and soul searching. I didn't do any soul searching, so I just thought I'd only lost respect for him.

I don't remember what I was thinking exactly when God spoke to me that day. I don't remember where I was, what I was wearing, what the weather was like or anything else. I do remember what He said when He interrupted my angry thoughts about him.  He said, "I love him just as much as I love you". My very first thought was "WHY?!"  with as much attitude as I could muster. I couldn’t believe it!  I mean seriously. I know you know what I went through, how I was made to feel, the things that were done to me behind my back, things that have been said and are still being said, things that people are believing because of what’s being said. All I could think about was the hurt he had caused me, the mental and emotional distress I had been in all those years of marriage, the tears I'd wept during the marriage and after the divorce up to that point. Was He not there to witness to what I went through? How in the world could God love him as much as He loves me?  I already had issues with feeling like God liked other people more than He liked me and now this! It just felt like God was just a little bit on his side more than on mine. I was the victim here, not him! So unfair!

If you know anything about how the Lord communicates, you know that often, He says what He says, and He’s done talking.  You rarely get long explanations from Him. He didn’t say anything else, but that one statement was enough to throw a wrench in my attitude and give me something to think about.

Consider what the scriptures say:

2 Peter 3:9

The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is longsuffering to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

John 3:16

¹⁶ For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Matthew 5:45

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

These scriptures simply remind us that the same love and grace that is extended to you, is extended to everyone, yes even those who have hurt you deeply. The Lord didn’t have to explain Himself further after He said what He said. There are plenty of scriptures that bear witness to it. Initially though, I wasn't considering scripture. I was only considering the pain I had been in for so long and who had caused it. 

There's something about God speaking to you that changes your life a little bit. From that moment on, you can't be the same or think the same, or feel the same about that situation. When I realized that I was in disagreement with God's word, I had to change. What the Lord spoke to me ended up helping me to begin to release the hurt of all the painful things that had happened to me.  It was like coming to understand that walking in unforgiveness is like fighting against God Himself. It’s like you are refusing to extend grace and forgiveness to someone that God has extended it to. As if you know better than God does, what a person deserves or who deserves His love, forgiveness and mercy. No wonder He said, “If you don’t forgive, neither will my father forgive you.” From that moment on, no matter how angry I got about whatever he had done, I was reminded of God's love for him. It put a damper on my anger, my hatred, and I didn't realize it at the time, but it began to usher me to the point that I was able to allow that root of bitterness and unforgiveness to be plucked up. It reminded me of the mercy of God even toward myself.  It showed me that if I didn't want God to show him mercy or extend grace to him, maybe He shouldn't do it for me either...but I knew I needed it.  It showed me very clearly that God isn't on my side or his side, or anybody else's side.  The question He's asking of all of us is, "Who's on the Lord's side?" 

I'm thankful for God rocking my world a little bit that day. It set me on a path that lead me to my complete healing and deliverance from the hurt, hatred, bitterness and unforgiveness of the person who I felt has done me the most harm. I'm free today because the Lord didn't jump on my side but showed me how important it is to be on HIS side. 

I pray that if you are disgusted with your ex for whatever reason, or anyone who has hurt you deeply, that you will accept the fact that no matter what they did to you, God loves THEM. His hand of mercy is extended to them as much as it is to you. The blood He shed for you was also shed for them and just as he has made wonderful promises to you, He has to them also. It may hurt you to accept it at first. I'll be honest and tell you that it took me a while even after God spoke it, but I couldn't get away from it once I heard Him speak. The freedom I have now though,  is so much better than the chains that held me before. I beg of you, please don't go into your bright future carrying the baggage of someone who hurt you. You might feel like you're already walking in the light, but once you let go of every root of bitterness you will discover even more freedom and joy.

A good indication that you still need some healing and deliverance is your reaction when you hear their name or see them.  How does your countenance or overall attitude change when you speak of them or think of them?  It is merely a loss of respect, or are you harboring hatred?  I pray that you open your heart and allow the Lord to shine the light on whatever it is that you're really feeling and that whatever adjustments you need to make in your attitude toward that person, you ask God to help you to make them. You see, I know that you can't do it on your own. I couldn't either.  But the Lord never asks us to do anything that He can't assist us in doing. He has made Himself available to us because He knows that we can't do this on our own. But because He has offered Himself for us and to us, we are also now without excuse. He can ask us, require of us, yea even command us to forgive, love and release because He has done it for each of us.

To The Barren Mothers on Mother's Day

My heart has been so heavy today  and this weekend for many reasons. So many things I am unable to do as a mother and have not been able to do. But as I read what someone said about not being able to conceive and the heartache she feels every single Mother's Day, I was reminded of the pain I used to feel every year during this time as well. It reminded me that things have been worse for me that there are others who are hurting worse than I am today. 

There are no words to adequately describe the pain of the empty womb.  It wasn't just on Mother's Day though, but every holiday. I had no one to shop for, to buy school clothes for, to buy Easter outfits for, to listen to their speeches, or buy Christmas presents for. And on Mother's Day I had to endure people wishing me a Happy Mother's Day and telling me that I was a mother because I was a mother to the youth I worked with. It wasn't the same. It wasn't enough. It didn't take the pain away, or lessen it in the least.  The pain was not only every holiday but also, really, every month. Every month I suffered an emotional miscarriage. Some months I would be late enough to think I was pregnant, as much as 12 days late, but for 13 years, even though late at times, it still showed up, reminding once again that I was not pregnant.  It mocked me. It told me that I wasn't good enough. That God couldn't trust me with a little one.  It took me a while to finally realize that those were lies. It had nothing to do with me not being good enough, or not having God's favor, or not being fit for motherhood. Nothing whatsoever. In everything we deal with in life, God has a purpose, and a plan. That's all it's about. Whatever His perfect plan and purpose is.

I just want to say to every woman who is a mother in your heart, but not in manifestation, don't think that you're not good enough. Don't listen to any thought that tells you that something is wrong with you.  Don't think that God can't trust you with a child. It has nothing to do with those negative things.  I understand your pain today. I've felt it. I understand the tears. I've wept them. I understand the doubts and the thoughts you grapple with. I understand wishing people wouldn't say anything to you today, and just waiting until the stroke of midnight so that this day can finally be over. I understand what it's like to live between the frustrations of people telling you it's going to happen someday, and trying to learn to accept that it will not, or may not. Sometimes you just want them all the shut up.

Some of you will eventually conceive and some of you never will.  It's okay either way. Cry whatever tears you have to cry whenever you have to cry them. But then dry your eyes, and live the gift of life God has given you. Make the most of every advantage you have as NOT having children.  Take advantage of the freedoms you have. I know it might sound harsh today, and if it does, come back and read this again another day. It will sink in better then. The void will always be there on days like today and other key days during the year. It's a wonder how we have been able to bear the aching. 

Whether you ever give birth to your own physical child or not, I would encourage you to always remember to allow God to get the most out of your time.  Allow Him to maximize the freedoms you have without children to consider. As a single woman, I have to do the same thing without a husband. Whatever state we are in, it affords us some freedoms that people who have what we don't have, don't have. Allow God to keep before you and settle in your heart that even with this void, this pain, your life is a blessing and the very state you're in, even today, is a GIFT. Allow Him to teach you to cherish it and be ever reminded that He cherishes you, even in the midst of a longing and pain that He has trusted you and Graced you to endure.