Tuesday, May 13, 2014

One Year Ago Today

May 10, 2013 I was terminated from a job that paid good money and that I thought would last me a very long time. Without even the decency to give me a reason,she stood over me while I gathered my things, walked me to the door of the building, and then that heffa had the nerve to tell me to have a good day. I barely made it to my car before I began to hyperventilate. That evening I wept bitterly, uncontrollably as I thought about my situation, my age, my education or lack thereof, my chances of being hired again anywhere, by anybody, making that kind of money, even though I had 20 years of experience. I felt hopeless.

In the following months I felt as if I had been humbled in a way I never thought I needed to be.  I felt like I had been brought lower than I'd ever been in my life. I felt like I had been brought down to nothing. Have you ever felt like NOTHING? I experienced fear like I never had before, for my well being, that of my daughters, where we would live, how we would eat, how I would pay my bills, etc. I sank so low, spending days in the bed weeping, with the covers over my head, falling asleep, and waking up to cry some more. I leaked tears for about 3 months, until my eyes began to have spasms and just flutter.

But in the midst of all of the pain and anguish, God showed me some things.  He showed me the kindness of others. He showed me that He could pay my bills without me making a certain amount of money. He showed me how people will take a leap of faith to help you, that when they help you, they may not even know how they can do it, but they obey Him, and help you. He showed me that the thing I feared so much was not going to happen to me. He showed me what I could do with so little. He showed me how people will out of the blue, put money in my hands just when I needed food or gas. I have received bags of meat that has lasted weeks, and enough gas to last a week...more than once.  He showed me a 50.00 bill in the parking lot of a store, right when I was trying to figure out what I was going to do for the next few days. He showed me that all those tears I flooded my pillow with needed to come out because they were evidence of fear that had been hidden in my heart, but also that what I feared was nothing to be afraid of.  God showed me His FAITHFULNESS on a level that I'd never imagined I'd see in my own life.

He showed me that the fight I was in (am in) HE picked it for me because He knew I wouldn't pick this fight on my own. But I needed to be in this fight because it is preparation for what is to come. In the midst of letting me know that I can't snap my fingers and get out, He has shown me that He is with me every step of the way. I know Him in a way now that I never would have had I not been placed in this position.

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