Sunday, May 11, 2014


This Mother's Day I was realized that I needed to wish MYSELF a happy Mother's Day.  I was reminded of the many years I spent unable to conceive a child. I got married, read the story of how God "closed" and "opened" certain women's wombs and decided that I didn't need birth control. I just needed God to close my womb and open it when He was ready to give me babies. People told me I was crazy and that I would get pregnant on my wedding night. But I went to God and asked Him to keep me from getting pregnant for 9 months, since they thought I'd be giving birth in 9 months. (How's that for crazy faith?) Well 9 months turned into month after month, after year after year. Then 9 years, all the way to 12 years, and the entire ordeal brought me more pain that I'll ever be able to explain. Every month when my body reminded me that once again, I was not pregnant I suffered an emotional miscarriage. I grieved the loss of a child that I had not carried but hoped and believed I was carrying.

I suffered a lot of humiliation, to the point where I felt I had no more shame, at the hands of fertility experts, trying to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. For a long time I had forgotten about the prayer I prayed.  Once I remembered that I'd prayed it, I figured God just didn't want me to have babies.  He didn't think I'd be a good mom. I wasn't good enough.

For all those years I felt less than, inadequate as a woman, unfeminine, and like a failure for not being able to do what every woman should be able to do. I questioned God about why He couldn't trust me to be a mother when I saw women whose children were physically dirty, like with patches of dirt on their skin, women who abused their children in many ways. I asked Him often, "You mean to tell me you can trust HER with a baby and not ME?" How screwed up was I?

But one day as I sat on the side of my bed, God asked me "Give me your babies".  I asked Him, "But what if you don't give them back?" And He said, "You'll have to trust me with them".  I said okay but didn't do it that time. We had this conversation once again, and after the second time I gave Him my babies. I let go. I decided to enjoy every advantages I had without children.  I decided to take advantage of all the freedom I had without having little ones to consider. But God being God, never asks us for anything that He doesn't have an amazing replacement for.  Whenever He asks us for something, it's because He wants to in turn give us back so much more.

I spent all those years crying, hoping, feeling bad about myself until one day I said to God, "I'm somebody's mama. If you're not going to give me a baby by birth, there's a baby out there somewhere who needs a mama. Bring me my baby".  And that's exactly what He did. Today I am somebody's mama.  3 somebody's to be exact. God gave me a miracle of adoption, and then a year later almost to the date, a miracle of birth. Then just a little over a year ago, a miracle of a teenage boy who decided to call me his Mama, and none of us knew that he was about to lose his own mother.

So for all the years and tears God has given back to me greater than what He asked me for that day sitting on the side of my bed. Not only my own babies, but I've written poetry that has helped bring at least 2 babies into the world for others and I've ministered to 2 women that I know of who went on to have children shortly after. I trusted Him with my babies, and He has shown me what He can do with what we trust Him with. He exceeds our expectations.

Even though you may not have endured a closed womb, may you read this and know that whatever it is that God is asking you to give to Him...whatever your baby is, He can take it and multiply it and give it back to you better than you could have imagined for yourself.  But isn't that what the word tells us?  He is able to do exceeding, abundantly, above all that we ask or imagine. He has done it for me, many others and He is waiting to do it for you!

I thank God for the mourning that He has turned to gladness. For that which He has given back to me in return for what I gave to Him. For my being able to say to MYSELF, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

No comments:

Post a Comment