When I Got Tired (pt 2)

I filed for a legal separation so that child support payments could start right away. It wasn’t much, but my point wasn’t so much about how much child support would be, but about being one step closer to divorce. Quite a few people thought I was crazy for leaving him and the things we had and even thought that I was lying on him when I would talk about what it was like living with him.  I guess that like him, they were caught up in the image.  Didn’t they know that I created the image they saw?  It didn’t have to be real.  It just had to be what I created.  But because of what they saw from a distance and the outside, they concluded that I was crazy or as he put it, under the influence of witchcraft.

I chose to go to my mother’s house. She later told me that when she saw me coming up on her porch I looked like was running from the “pure dee devil”. Me and my babies slept in her extra bedroom for a few weeks until my brother came and took the bed because he said he needed it. I wondered if part of the reason he did that was to try and force my hand, figuring that if I had to sleep on the floor I would take my butt back home to my husband where I “belonged”.  Church folks do stuff like that sometimes.  They take it upon themselves to put you in positions to do what they think you should do. Well, all I have to say about that is, “Sike!” I took quilts and blankets, pillows and sheets and I slept on my mother’s living room floor with my babies for 3 months.  My mother told me that I “slept like them babies on that floor”, so I couldn’t have been lying about the things I said I had gone through with him. She said if I had been lying, I wouldn’t have been able to sleep so peacefully.  I had no idea that she would come in sometimes during the night and sit in the chair next to us, watch us and go back to sleep. I did wake up a few mornings and wondered when she had come in and sat in the chair.  I guess I was “sleeping like them babies” not to notice someone coming into the room and sitting over me in a chair.

From there I went to a roach infested 1 bedroom apt. When I say roach infested that’s exactly what I mean. I only put a few can goods in the cabinets and when I would go to open the cabinets, I would have to step back because whenever I opened them, roaches would leap out. There was also a mouse that traveled back and forth between the first and second floors, and plumbing that flooded the hallway right outside my door. But I was at peace.  From there we moved to a 2 bedroom apartment with horrible LOUD neighbors (who I knew from a church I used to go to). My babies had to get used to the noise without thinking that something bad was happening. My entire living room and hallway was flooded at least twice because the neighbors on the two floors above me put the wrong things down their garbage disposal. But I had peace. In the mean time I had to file bankruptcy because of so many bills that had been accumulated during the marriage. I didn’t realize at the time that when he was encouraging me to have credit cards in my name, it was insurance for him in the event of a divorce. From there I bought my first home on my own only to end up in a bankruptcy and foreclosure, to a duplex, back to my mom’s house where I’d slept on the floor for 3 months. Only this time it was after my mom had passed and I had bought it.

When you get TIRED, you’ll get the hell out.  It won’t matter how much he buys you, or what you have to walk away from.  You’ll go to a shelter, a one room studio, move in with someone and sleep on their floor, sleep in the bed with your babies, put up with roaches for a while, anything to have peace of mind and safety. When you get tired you’ll change your mind about what’s worth fighting for. You’ll come to the conclusion that YOU are the thing that’s worth fighting for, and if you have little ones, they are worth for, not some image that you’ve created for the sake of keeping up appearances. When you get tired of dying, you’ll choose to live.

When I Got Tired (pt 1)

After so many years, pretty much the entire marriage, of doing everything I thought I should do to be enough for him, I finally realized that I wasn’t the one who was crazy. Maybe I was crazy, but I wasn’t the only one who was. The difference between me and him, I discovered, was that I wanted to be better. I wanted to grow. I felt like there was more to life, like there should be some happiness. I guess he was happy with things the way they were and couldn’t understand what my problem was. I suppose that whatever he envisioned for his life, either we had it, or we had exceeded it, and he was completely satisfied. But I was dying and it was because that marriage and my overall environment was slowly killing me.

When I was 7 months pregnant with our baby, he was frustrated because I had only let him touch me once since my 3^rd month.  I had shut down.  I was constantly thinking about how to get out. I had planned to leave sooner but when I found out I was pregnant, I felt it would be better to stay with him until after the baby was born. I was extremely depressed, and I didn’t know how high my blood pressure was due to him worrying me so badly.  One day I was sitting at the breakfast bar in the kitchen and he was in the family room. We were having another disagreement, probably about money, and I felt the atmosphere change again and began to get quiet.  This angered him more and he said, “Let me get out of this house before I have to hurt somebody”.  Excuse me?  Ain’t nobody here but you, me, with your baby in my belly, and our 1 year old daughter.  Who the hell are you gonna HURT!!!!   Your pregnant wife?  Your unborn child?  Your toddler? WTH! When he said it he walked past me to leave, and with one hand he did a huge sweep and everything on the breakfast counter went flying all over the kitchen floor. I froze.  And that moment I said to myself, “he just gave me my way out”.

You might wonder why I felt like I needed a “way out”.  If I wanted to leave, I was a grown woman.  Why not just leave?  My answer is upbringing,  environment, religious teaching.  We were taught that women didn’t leave their husbands.  It wasn’t even an option or something to be brought up unless the woman was being referred to as a Jezebel type, or a woman who had walked away from God.  We were taught to stay there and pray and try to do all the right things and wait on God to work it out. Because of my upbringing it was embedded in me that I was responsible for making it right. So I’d concluded that what I needed was for him to give me a “reason”, and this incident became my reason, my grounds.  What I’d really wished for years was that he would cheat on me or at least get caught cheating on me.  But I guess if I was going to use some kind of sexual misconduct as grounds for divorce I should have done it years before when he behaved inappropriately with a few family members.

He came back a little while later (for some reason I was still sitting in that spot, probably petrified) and stood next to me and asked what I wanted.  Did I want to separate? (as if that was a standard question to ask at that time)  I wanted to separate because I knew it was my avenue to divorce.  But I thought against saying it at the moment because he was still angry.  His eyes still had that slightly crazed look in them, and the atmosphere around him hadn’t shifted back just yet.  I didn’t say anything and decided to wait until he calmed down. To be honest, I believe I heard the Holy Spirit advise me not to say anything until he was completely calmed down.  It took a few months but it finally happened.

You see, I didn’t need to tell him that I wanted to separate from him while he was angry. That wouldn’t be safe. I had to wait it out. That one blow up let me know that it would only be a matter of time before I would have my moment, my open door. I was also still considering that I wanted to wait until after the baby was born. I went through my last two months of pregnancy, labor and delivery, and when she was about 4 months old it happened. The newness of the baby had begun to wear off, and there had been more frustration with me not allowing him to touch me. The first and only time he tried, I pushed him off. I decided once and for all that if I’m not going to let him touch me, I should leave. I thought it would be downright cruel to live in the house with a man and refuse him sexually, especially since we were married.

One day we were riding in the car, having just left my brother’s house and he asked again what I wanted to do and if I wanted to separate. I was still cautious until I could clearly hear his tone of voice and sense the atmosphere in the car. It was interesting how he was saying all the things that it seemed he thought he should say at the moment.  It was like he thought he was playing the role in a drama that he had seen other people play, and he had it down pat. I didn’t feel that he was reaching out to me from his heart.  I felt like he was going through all the lines he knew he should say, and then I would say what I was supposed to say, and then we would make up, and then he would get to go to church and preach about it.  But he had no idea. When he stopped talking I quietly said, “I want to separate”.  He also had no idea that my statement that I wanted to separate was loaded.  I knew that for me, separating was an automatic first step to getting my divorce and finally being free of him. It seemed as if he was both surprised and not so surprised when I told him I wanted to separate. He still knew the next set of lines he would need to say, so he began to ask me questions about how long we should be apart, and did I want to go stay with my mother for a few days, or maybe his mother. Not once did he volunteer to leave, especially considering that the babies would be with me.  This was the first sign that as much as he wanted to make me believe he loved me, he loved something else a lot more. Throughout our whole ordeal of separation and divorce he had no clue that I was listening to his statements and responses and coming to understand that he didn’t love me nearly as much as he loved his image with me, the image we created together, or better yet, that I created of us, and the things he’d been able to obtain as a result of being with me. His first love wasn’t me or even God, it was money.  So I figured, “Fine.  You can have it. The house, everything. But you’ll never touch me again”. 

Single Life Series: Your Desperate Need For Me

Whether I was having a good day or bad days there was one thing that I wished for: a husband. When things seemed to be going well, or better, my immediate thought would be that I wished I had someone with me to share it with, to celebrate with me. When things were not going well I would always think that it would be more bearable if someone was there for me to talk to, or cry on his shoulder and hear him tell me it was going to be okay.  That was on the surface though, but God knew the very intent of my heart in those times of thinking that having a husband with me would make things better or easier. I also used to complain about the fact that I had to go through so much hard stuff alone. I really was surprised at how hard life could be on me, a single mother. I don't know. I guess I assumed that my trials would not be as strong as the trials of a man and when the weight of the things I was going through would sit on me, I often said to God, "This feels like something a MAN should have to deal with!  I'm a WOMAN and a woman shouldn't have to deal with this kind of stuff! This is too much!  I ain't no MAN!" I couldn't believe the Lord was allowing things to happen to me on the level that they were happening. And then to top it off He didn't even give me a husband to help carry the load?! This was some bull!

But one day the Lord answered my cry for help, or complaint, whatever it actually was, maybe both. He said, "Having a husband won't diminish your desperate need for me. You think that if you have a husband you won't need me as much but you will, and so will he.  As a matter of fact, he needs me as much as you do and when he marries you and takes on you and your daughters he will feel that he needs me even more because he becomes responsible for more. He will be crying out to me even more. No matter how anointed he is he will still need me desperately as you will. When you get married your husband won't always be there for you.  He may be at work when you need him or he may be away with ministry. He might be right there with you and still not understand what you're dealing with or how you feel, so you will still need me."  
Well shut my mouth. Wow.

Is there something or someone that you are hoping or wishing for, because you think that when it shows up, you will suddenly have to pray less, or spend less time seeking after God? Do you believe like I did, that a good husband or wife, will ease your need for God? As much as we all need money to run our households and take care of our families, do you think that a big enough income will lessen your need for God? Or as He put it, "your desperate need" for Him?  Look at this definition of the word, desperate.

DESPERATE: 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair, hopelessness, or urgency 2.having an urgent need, desire, etc. 3.leaving little or no 

hope; very serious or dangerous:

This is how serious our need for God is.  Without Him guiding and protecting us our lives would be reckless, hopeless. Our need for Him is always urgent and a serious matter. This isn't something that a human can come along and love you enough to do away with. There is comfort to be found in human touch, friendship, and companionship, even the love of a faithful spouse. But for all that they do they will never "diminish our desperate need for God". We must never make the mistake of believing that something or someone can serve as a substitute for the real thing. How many times have you hoped, wished, prayed for something, only to receive it and feel like something was still missing? This is because of the void, the hole that God placed in our hearts for Himself when He created us. It will never be satisfied by anything or anyone other them Him. We must never forget or become confused about where our help comes from. Our help comes from the LORD!

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Why Would God Send You Back?

By the time I walked out of that marriage I felt like the Lord was standing at the door next to my bags, waiting to escort me out. It was this experience that taught me that the as long as I was willing to stay, He helped me and gave me grace. When it became clear that I was the only one really putting forth the effort to try and create a truly healthy marriage, and I felt released to leave, and I decided I wanted to live instead of continuing to die that slow death, He supported me and gave me grace. I have told people that when I left I was running for my life. Not because I had been being physically abused but because I was dying on the inside. The life and strength had almost completely been drained from my body.

Even so, because of my background and upbringing, I still had this fear that "God will make me go back".  I knew how I was raised and what our beliefs were. I was well aware of the teaching I had sat under my whole life. Even in my separation I was subjected to things being said in church services that were directed at me personally. I was spoken to more than once about going back, but I knew I couldn't if I wanted to live. It was very difficult for a while but like I said, God gave me grace to go through it. Even with the grace that had been extended to me to make it through I would have thoughts of "What if God tells me to go back? I'll have to do it if He tells me to!"  It worried me to the point that I even had nightmares about it. The feeling of dread and doom in those dreams was so real. I was so glad to wake up after each one! 

I sat in my pastor's office about 3 months or so after the separation and I expressed this concern to him.  He said something to me that set me free from that fear. He said to me, "Why would God send you back into a situation that hasn't changed?" I received so much validation from this. It let me know that whatever he believed at first about my separation, he had seen enough to know that nothing had changed for the better, and certainly not enough for me to feel like I could or should go back.  It let me know that I wasn't alone. Somebody saw me, and at some point had gotten a good clear look at what I had been dealing with. 

Well that conversation took a load off my chest and helped me to stop worrying about whether or not I would find myself having to walk back into that house. It let me know that I didn't have to and that doing so would return me to what I had been set free from. I will be very honest with you though, and tell you that it took years to stop having those bad dreams. I left that house in 1999 and I'm pretty sure that it was about 2013 or early 2014 before I had my last nightmare about it. Mind you, he remarried several years after our divorce but the bad dreams continued even past that point. 

Many people were raised in an environment similar to mine, that taught that you work it out or work on it no matter what.  In many cases it leaves one person doing pretty much all the work to salvage a relationship or create a healthy one while the other one continues to do whatever it is they've been doing.  It is so frustrating and hurtful to want more out of life and to be bound to someone who feels like whatever they have at the moment is enough.  This can create such a tug of war in the home and in your mind and emotions.  It can cause one to be very suspicious of the other. It can bring every insecurity to the surface and it can literally be a source of torment for the one whose heart and soul is crying out for more. Not to mention if there is some form of abuse happening.

I just want to share with you what was shared with me. I don't care who may be butting in where they really don't belong.  I don't care what they've seen before or what is going on or has happened in their own life. They are not you and their situation is not the same as yours. Even if it is very similar, you are different people, so they are in no position to tell you to "go back home", or to keep trying, or what you ought to be doing.  One person can only do so much without the help of the other to make a peaceful home. 

Some people will even lie on God by putting Him into what they are trying to convince you of. They'll even have dreams and feel that they need to share with you what "God showed them about your situation".  This is why it's very important to quiet yourself so that you can continue to hear Him clearly.  Shut out every other voice and stay before Him so that you can grow in your sensitivity to Him and His leading. You may be dealing with what I dealt with, people saying things publicly directing their comments toward you. One man in particular who did this to me didn't realize that his own wife was watching me, admiring my strength, and filed for divorce from him just a few years after my divorce. He had no clue that his own house was torn in two while he was throwing instructions to me in the microphone from across the sanctuary. Another young minister sat down with me sharing with me how the Lord helped him to love his wife after he had felt like they shouldn't be together. Some years later I found out that they were no longer together and I'll leave it at that. Don't be deceived into second-guessing yourself by people who may not realize that their own marriage is on life support.

Don't fall for the okie doke. Look at the situation and see it for exactly what it is. Don't see it for what you hoped it would be, what you know it should be, what it started out as, or even what the bible says it's supposed to be.  See it for WHAT IT IS and deal with it accordingly. If you know it hasn't changed, ask yourself the same question that was asked me, "Why would God send me back into a situation that hasn't changed?" Did He not rescue you out of it? Have you not felt Him holding you together when you would have fallen apart without Him?  

I'm not saying that no separation can be worked out so that the relationship can be saved and even made better. I know two couples that were divorced for up to two years but the marriages were healed and restored when the necessary changes were made for the better. They are more in love now than ever. Many couples have survived affairs and other types of abuse.  But it wasn't without major change. Whatever you do, don't look at it and see the same behavior that sent you packing, and still go back for whatever reason. And please don't blame God if you do, for He has called us to peace.

There is a saying, "Your ex is your ex for a reason." Even if you're tempted to go back for whatever reason, think about why you left and ask yourself if it's worth it to go back to the same situation. God doesn't operate in fear so if you're afraid that you might have to return to it, let that be a sure sign that it's NOT coming from Him. Walk in your freedom. Enjoy your peace of mind. Allow Him to complete the work in you that He started that work before you even walked away from that unhealthy relationship. That season ended but a much better one has begun. Let Him show you!

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: The Kind of Man You've Asked Me For Won't Tolerate That

Often when you go to God and ask Him to help you with something, or ask Him for something, He will begin to talk to you about things that seem to be completely unrelated to what you asked Him about or asked Him for!  He's not crazy. He didn't change the subject. He heard you. He IS answering you.  He's trying to teach you that there is a LOT more involved than what you may think, and until you allow Him to reveal those things to you, you will never be in a position to receive what you've asked for. This is especially important for Single Christians to learn.

I've had my "list" as I'm sure most other singles who desire marriage have had. Attractive. Sense of humor. Certain height. Certain build. Love God. Respectful. Strong communicator. Romantic. He has to be this or that, or not this and certainly not that. He should at least do or have this or that. I need him to be able to do such and such at least sometimes.  These are pretty generic desires that if you were to look at every woman's list, they would be on it.  As I grew in my relationship with God and learned more about Him and myself, my list changed and so did my "type".  Some things ceased to be as important to me as they had been before. I even became more specific about some things that I hadn't thought of before, because I didn't know myself as well.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has made adjustments to my list over time. Then again there may be others who made one list and never had to change a thing, and you received the desires of your heart. Whether you write it out and tuck it under your mattress like one young lady told me she did, or whether you sleep with it under your pillow, keep it in a notebook, or whether you carry it around in your bible or carry it in your heart, you have your "list". 

I believe that a major mistake many people make is that after we make our list, we set about finding someone who only fits that list.  We think that if he or she shows up and we see something that we didn't list, that must not be the right person. We even go so far as to keep telling ourselves and each other not to settle for less than what we asked God for. Let me pause and say this as a reminder to those of us who believe: When God answers prayers He never stops at just what we asked.  Even the scriptures refer to Him as the one who "is able to to exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think" (Ephesians 3:20) so that should be enough to let us know that when the answer to prayer shows up it will always be more than we imagined when we prayed, and actually may not look quite like what we imagined. People are often accused of being too picky when it comes to choosing who they feel is right for them.  The sad thing about our pickiness is that it can have the opposite effect of what we think. Being too picky sometimes leads us to settle for less when we think that we are not settling at all by holding out for the better. Being too picky keeps us more narrow minded than we believe we are.  It actually keeps us from the "exceeding abundantly above" that God has for us in a mate. We limit ourselves to our list, not understanding that the person who fits God's plan for our lives is that list and a whole lot more. 

We limit ourselves to specific characteristics not understanding that a whole person is a person of a certain character. People don't operate in individual characteristics. Those characteristics pour out of a full character, a whole person who is living a certain way of life. This brings me to the next thing that I want to share with you that God said to me. 

I had been talking so much to the Lord about what I wanted in a mate.  I was so specific about everything I could think of, not wanting to leave anything to chance. I was also very stubborn in my heart toward God because of my frustrations with Him. I had a habit of back-talking Him about what I felt about how He was handling things for me.  I always seemed to have something to say before I got around to doing what He wanted. It was easy for me to express my disagreement with His process, to let Him know that I'd expected more from Him than what He was doing. I'd had my ideas about how my life would and should look and I'd always expected Him to make it happen, and when I wasn't seeing what I'd always imagined, I let Him know that I was disappointed in HIM.

One day while I was doing some of my good back-talking He said to me, "The kind of man you've asked me for won't tolerate that." He was talking about my strong will and my attitude toward Him.  I've said in another post that your relationship with God will be a mirror of your relationship with your mate.  He is the one who teaches us how to relate to one another by how He relates to us, and showing us the truth about how we relate to Him.  The Lord knew the kind of man that I found most attractive so He was actually trying to help me out.  He didn't say that he "won't like it" or "won't appreciate it". He said he "won't tolerate it". So basically, the teaching moment was saying to me that if a man like that was going to be in my life, I'd have to make some adjustments to the way I communicated and responded to situations. 

What I love about God is that He didn't tell me that I couldn't have someone like what I wanted.  He didn't tell me I wasn't good enough. He just let me know that if I desire to be with someone like that, I would have to be someone that someone like that would take notice of and be attracted to and it had nothing to do with my outward appearance, but with my behavior. Even if he was drawn to me for my appearance, once that behavior showed up, he'd be turned off. This was an opportunity for growth in how I communicate my feelings and thoughts, even when, and especially when I'm disappointed or am not in agreement with something. Understand, that for many men, the way I behaved up until that point wouldn't be an issue. They might be able to love me right through it, work their way around it and never leave me. But I wasn't asking God for many men. I was asking Him for specifics and He just let me know that these particular characteristics in him won't tolerate these particular characteristics in me.

What I love about God is that He didn't tell me that I couldn't have someone like what I wanted.  He didn't tell me I wasn't good enough. He just let me know that if I desire to be with someone like that, I would have to be someone that someone like that would take notice of and be attracted to and it had nothing to do with my appearance, but with my behavior. Even if he was initially drawn to me for my appearance, once that behavior showed up, he'd be turned off. If he thought I was the prettiest woman in them room, one conversation could make me the ugliest. If he didn't think I was the prettiest woman in the room, a conversation with me might heighten his attraction to me because of who I show him I am on the inside.

You see, we are good at making lists and laying them before God, but we don't always realize that a person like what we described is attracted to certain characteristics in a mate.  If you don't possess those characteristics that person you are looking for may never cross your path or if they do, may never look at you twice.  You may notice them but they may not notice you. You may even have a conversation with them and hear everything you've prayed for, but if they don't hear the same from you, they will be fine not to ever speak to you again. People who live on a certain level or who are of a certain character don't like some things. They like other things. They aren't comfortable in some places or may be comfortable in places that make you uncomfortable. They behave differently, and live every single day, a certain way. They have pet peeves, likes and dislikes. They have things that they can deal with and other things that they absolutely will not tolerate. This principle is true in choosing a mate as well as in choosing a career.  You can't go just anywhere and behave or even dress just any kind of way, and then say, 

"This is just the way I am and they just need to accept me for who I am" or "If you love me you'll accept me and love me for who I am". Though that is true, it is only true to a certain extent.

What have you asked God for?  What's on your list?  Does it seem like God is talking to you about everything except what you have on your list? Well of course He is!  The list has already been established. Now He needs to teach you about the supporting cast to the list, all of the other characteristics that you didn't think of that make up the whole person. For instance, the kind of mate you've asked God for may need a clean kitchen. Do you keep a clean kitchen or do you just clean once in a while? Or it could be the opposite. You could be preparing by learning to keep a spotless home but when the one you've asked God for comes, it may be that he does most of the cleaning or cooking. I know a few women who don't have to cook at all! In a situation like this you may find yourself lacking in an area that you didn't know you needed to prepare in.  God knows everything about everybody so when He seems to change the subject on you, it's best to follow His instructions. 

Understand that just as you have a list, that person, your type,  has a list also.  They are asking God for certain things too.  This is not to discourage you into giving up on your desires but to encourage you to allow God to develop you into a better version of yourself.  This is not to say you're not "good enough" per se, but we are all constantly growing and as you allow Him to grow, mature, and stretch you, you will be a happier more fulfilled individual with or without that certain person in your life. Believe it or not, this is God's desire for all of us, to be whole happy, and fulfilled whether someone else is there or not. I'll call this His ulterior motive. It is ALWAYS to better YOU for YOU FIRST.

Our true desires come from the One who is able to fulfill them. But just as you have to prepare yourself to have a certain kind of career by educating yourself, it's the same with preparing for the kind of mate you desire. If you truly desire to have a certain career, you don't find out how much education and training you need and then say, "Oh I'll never be good enough to be that".  Instead you choose to do the work, go to school, get the education and training so that you can have the fulfillment of that desire.

We go to school and take so many courses that we say we will never use in real life.  But those courses are necessary and even if you may not use those specific math problems ever again in real life, you need to understand that you will use the skills you learned in those courses. You learned to reason. You learned to see patterns. You learned to solve problems. You learned how to research. You learned how to think a certain way and it is those skills that you will go on to use in everyday life. Those courses helped to shape your character.

To my fellow Single Christians I say, whatever life courses the Lord has you taking right now, trust that they are needed, even if they seem totally unrelated to what you have in your heart.  Preparing for marriage is about way more than learning to cook, keep a clean house, keep a job, who will handle the money, and how you will handle disciplining the children. Submit to God's process and understand that as He prepares you to receive what you've asked Him for, more importantly at the same time, He's simultaneously, preparing you to also be able to live without it. When that person comes they will be so much more than you had in mind when you prayed. But more importantly, before they even show up or even if they never show up, you will be so much more than you thought you were.  This is also a part of the "exceeding abundantly above", for He will exceed your expectations not just of a spouse, but of yourself.

I do not own the pic used in this post. Source: into30.com 

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Get LOST?...in GOD?

All of my adult single life in church I've heard the statement to single women, "The best way to be found (by a man for marriage) is to get lost in God." Those words never did set right with me even though for quite some time I couldn't put my finger on why. I understand the intention. Basically they are saying to get busy working for God. Do all your hands find to do and one day, lo and behold you'll get "found" by a man.  (yeah, keep telling that to all the single women who've been lost and working in church for the past 20 to 30 years, and still not found) Although there is some truth to that, I believe that wording takes it out of context. I was still having a fit with that one word, "lost", and the next two words, "in God". Those three words back to back sound like nonsense to me. As I walked with God and my relationship with Him grew I understood why I didn't like or agree with that statement.

First, let's allow the dictionary to tell us what it means to be "lost". 

lost: 

adjective

1.no longer possessed or retained

2. no longer to be found

3.having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, 

4. not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted

5.being something that someone has failed to win

6. ending in or attended with defeat

So now you see why I have had a hard time accepting that I should seek to be or try  or desire to be "lost" and "in God" at the same time. 

Yes I understand the point that is being made but it doesn't make it a correct statement. I am a single, saved woman, who desires marriage so I need real talk. I don't need what you say to sound differently than what you mean or what you're trying to say. 

So what am I to do since getting lost in God is clearly not an option?  I will allow scripture to tell me.  One of my favorite scriptures is 

Psalm 119:114 which says, "Thou art my hiding place and my shield; I hope in thy word."

Now that sounds much better. Being lost is  not knowing where you really are, exactly how you got there, or how to get where you were intending to go when you started your journey. You've accidentally wandered off into a place and now you are at the mercy of whoever shows up first to help you. Hopefully they will help you and not take advantage of your vulnerable state.

To hide is more intentional.  You knew where you were. You knew of a secret place. You chose to go to that secret place for protection from whatever could bring you harm or take some advantage over you. You went to that place knowing that you could reveal yourself to only the one you choose.

Psalm 91:1 says, "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty..."

Nothing mentioned here about being lost either, but rather to dwell and to abide. These are also things that are done intentionally. 

Jesus spoke to His disciples of abiding in Him in each of the scriptures from John 15:4-15:7

Not only does scripture instruct and encourage us to abide, dwell, and hide in Him, it also says that He would hide us. Where?  As Psalm 91:1 says, under His shadow.  Vs 4 says, "He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler".

Jesus said in Luke 13:34, "...how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!"

We are asked to seek God out on purpose, willingly hide in His secret place, and allow Him to protect us and cover us, only revealing us when the time is right, or when it is safe. I don't know about you but one day I realized that I need to be protected from the wrong kinds of men. I need to be protected from my own desire for companionship. As a woman I need to be able to control my emotions and moods. In any event that I may feel vulnerable, I need to make sure I haven't wandered away from my hiding place. I have the assurance of knowing that my heavenly Father and my Savior are waiting with open arms to cover and protect my tender heart from all who would not be pleasing to Him for me.

Some might read this and say, "You're just nit picking. You know what they mean when they say that!"  Honestly, I kinda did and I kinda didn't. I know what it means to be lost so why in the world would someone tell me to go get lost?! :-) What man, what Godly man wants a lost woman? It bothered me so I asked God about it, and He showed me Psalm 119:114. I immediately could put my finger on what bothered me about being told to "get lost in God".  Quite frankly I think that people tell you that sometimes just to get rid of you, like sending you to look for a red orange or something. 

You see, as I walked with God and allowed Him to build relationship with me, it was then that I actually FOUND myself! God knew where I was all along. I wasn't lost to him, except in my sins, but I was lost to myself. It was me who didn't know what, where, or who I was! He first lead me along the path to finding Him, and then the journey continued as He helped me to find myself.  I was lost, confused about things, bewildered, even overwhelmed by daily life, until I started talking to Him!  Even after I became a born again believer I was still lost in life, not knowing my purpose or which one of my several gifts was my core gift around which all others revolved, and were in place to support. The more He talked to me the more I understood myself...found myself.  I could not accept being told to get lost when I was finally beginning to feel, found.

It is in God that we begin to realize just how lost we were. It is in God that we gain understanding, about ourselves, about our God, about our ministry calling, about living life every day. It's in God that we are enlightened, that our eyes are opened, that we receive clarity about things, that our questions are answered. As all these things happen we are better equipped to hear God about who is worthy of our hand in marriage, who is a good fit for the calling of God on our lives, and to hear God clearly when He says, "Keep it moving. That's not it".  We won't allow ourselves to be dated by men who have no intentions toward marriage.

When you're lost, anybody can come along and make you feel like they are rescuing you or helping you.  What do you know?  You're lost!  Unless you get some gut feeling telling you otherwise, you're going to trust them to have your best interest at heart, whether they do or not. Anybody can come along and tell you where you are and give you any kinds of directions to get back on track. How would you know if they are lying? You're lost!  God doesn't want us as His precious single ladies to spend our lives wandering around waiting for some man to come along and tell us who we are, and where we're going from here. That's our Father's job, but like Jerusalem, we often won't let Him protect us, and over and over some of us are broken and taken advantage of.

There is another quote that I like much better which says, "The heart of a woman should be so hidden in God that a man will have to seek God in order to find her".  That's a lot better! God doesn't want us walking around lost, puzzled, wandering and wondering, bewildered, gone astray....in Him.  Crying over not being dated or having a man to spend time with, wondering why nobody wants us, second-guessing our value, questioning our beauty and worth. Being that way sets us up to be victims of more than one kind of abuse and would cause us to be what the scripture says, "destroyed for lack of knowledge". He wants us to walk around confident. You know how someone behaves when they have a juicy secret?  When they have knowledge of something that not everyone else has?  They behave as if they have some control, some power over the situation, and guess what?  They do and so do you! You are that wonderful secret. You are that precious jewel hidden until found by the one to whom God will reveal you. Take rest and find peace in the fact that the God you serve loves you so much that He'd rather keep you hidden forever than to reveal you and expose you to ravenous wolves who would tear you asunder, take advantage of you, and destroy you. You are the prize, the gift from God, the one who brings favor into a man's life that he can't even experience until you come along and say, "I do". You are one of the reasons that a man can declare the faithfulness of God. (that's another blog post) 

Single women of God have given away so much of our power to just anybody, or to happenstance, to men who knew just what to say or just how many scriptures to quote. We've given our power away to men because of what they had materially, not understanding that no matter what he has, when you come, you bring the very favor of God.  Our walk with God is to be intentional, on purpose. We're supposed to mean it! Hide in God so that the only men who will seek you out are men who are first seeking God!

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Yawl Look Good Together! And?

Looking good together or being a cute couple doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be married to each other.  Any two people can have similar tastes, make each other blush, wear matching outfits, or laugh at the same jokes. But if neither of you or one of you does not know your purpose and your calling from God, how will you know whether the person you're looking cute with, and giving your time, attention and heart to meets God's approval?  Looking good together and even being in love is not proof that God has set His stamp of approval on your union.

Knowing how to choose a mate is about knowing who you are in God, knowing God's will for your life, knowing your purpose and therefore knowing if that person fits into that plan and purpose. It's about knowing the direction you are being lead by God to go and recognizing when you have met the one who is walking in the same direction. When the honeymoon is over and the initial high of being in love and the newness of marriage fades, you will have to be able to walk together in agreement, about money, children, family, daily living in the home, and most of all, your God-given purpose. 

We are not to go into courting and marriage hoping that the other person will tell us what our purpose is.  That information comes from God, the one who created you, knows every cell of your body, and has numbered every hair of your head. The other person needs that information from God about themselves just as you do.

Although your purpose is tied to another person in marriage, it shouldn't be discovered after marriage. It's true that many people don't discover it until after marriage because they didn't know it was to be discovered beforehand. But to prepare for and enter into marriage correctly, the issue of one's purpose should be settled ahead of time. If it's not, what if you marry someone and end up "growing apart" when one or both of you you start to discover what your purpose is? 

You need to understand that God's calling on your life is not predicated upon whether or not you have a mate.  What God has called YOU to do, He has called YOU to do, so with or without a mate He expects His purpose to be fulfilled in YOUR life. This does not mean waiting to see if you get a mate before you begin to walk in it either. If bringing someone into your life means you will be pulled away from what God expects from you, you are bringing the wrong person into your life, no matter how you feel about each other or look with each other.

I know of two couples that when I first saw them together or knew of their engagement, my honest opinion was, "That doesn't even look right!" What did I mean by "look right"?  I was looking at what I knew about each of them on the surface. I was looking at their physical appearances. I didn't know what either of their purpose was so how could I decide, and who was I to decide whether or not they were right for each other?  I couldn't, and neither can you.

I'm not saying that God doesn't know and isn't capable of giving you what you desire.  For the most part, the way He wired you shaped what you desire and find attractive.  Without knowing what it means to be completely healed from all past wounds though, we won't realize that some of what we desire or find attractive is based on old wounds or past experiences and the condition they left us in.  As we allow the healing of God to take place we will find that much of what we thought was a necessity, no longer is.  What we used to find irresistible may turn out to be something that we could actually do without, or isn't nearly as important as it used to be. I'm sure most of us can think of someone in our past we at one time made us short of breath, but now looking at them makes us wonder what in the world we were thinking. This is true as we grow spiritually as well.

Over the years I have made changes to my "list" based on the things that the Lord has taught me about myself, and Himself.  I basically still like what I like and don't like what I don't like as far as outward appearances go, but as God healed my heart over time I have learned to look beyond the surface and look for true Godly characteristics.  That comes first and foremost. The other will be there as well but it won't be what drives me into saying "Yes" to a marriage proposal. As someone said to me years ago, "God will give you what you want wrapped in what you need."  I don't care how attracted you are to someone or how much sexual chemistry the two of you may have, it can only take you so far, and often it won't take you past having sex.

Do I want to look cute with someone?  Absolutely! I understand now though that part of looking cute means that there is some agreement, there has been some blending and there is some oneness. It means we are operating as a team, we are communicating, we are learning each others' ways and that we have eyes only for each other. It means we are spiritually connected and are not pulling each other in opposite directions from what God has designed us for. Above all, it means that we both have the same stamp of approval from God to be together for His ultimate purpose for both our lives.

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: One of my BEST Decisions

SINGLE LIFE SERIES:  One of the best decisions I've made as a single woman was when I STOPPED taking advice from women, including married women...about men.

I made this decision several years ago due to many many times of being ill -informed by women who seemed to or wanted to think they knew a lot about men. Most of them of course were single just like I was, and usually going from one relationship to another. It took me a while but I finally figured out that they were not helping me at all. 

Friends of mine who were outside of regular church attendance had advice that was pretty much strictly worldly and fleshly. Single women in the church for the most part had just as many questions as I did, unless they were trying to be extra deep and spiritual. Most of the women in and out of church were wounded still from past experiences or even by current situations in their marriages. They had built up walls that wouldn't allow them to fully trust or even be willing to love whole heartedly again. Married women in church, I found seemed to be very unhappy in their marriages.  The bulk of their relationship or marriage advice was about how it's all "work".  It's not easy. No romance. No friendship. No laughter. "It's a lot of work", or "It's not all flower beds of ease" is what I heard a lot while looking into faces of women who seemed to regret being married.  They encouraged us to enjoy being single, but not in a way that celebrated singleness. Instead it was in a way that made me think they wished they still were, or could be again. If they weren't doing that they often "scolded" the single ladies for their questions, making them feel guilty for asking or having a desire for companionship.

Another thing that helped me to come to this decision was that as I walked with God and as He continued to explain things to me, He taught me about men through His own behavior toward me and His own characteristics that can also be found in men. The more He showed me, the more I realized how much bad information and sometimes incomplete information was being passed along among women.

If you think about it, most people believe that the best way to find out how a person feels is to ask that person, but for some reason women don't apply this to men. Many don't believe anything that comes out of a man's mouth about himself, or what he thinks or wants or doesn't want.  Instead, we'll take what he said, then go to other females and say stuff like. "Girl let me tell you what he said and then you tell me what you think", or "Girl he said such n such...what do you think he meant by that?" Then her trusted friend commences to pass on advice based on her past experiences or that of some trusted female in her life which was had in a relationship that didn't work out. And let's not even go there with the women in church and their, "Girl I had a dream about you guys" or "I saw how he was watching you", carrying on. 

I experienced this quite a bit with one friend in particular who would offer the translation without my even asking.  I would tell her something a guy said and she would say, "You know what that means don't you?" Of course at this point I'm looking as puzzled as a tourist in a foreign country and she sees that as a sign that I desperately need what she has to say.  She would go on to telling me that "When a man says that, what he really means is...".  But you know what I learned about men when I stopped letting women tell me what they meant?  THEY MEANT JUST WHAT THEY SAID. 

You see, women tend to play those games with our words in an effort to trick or trap men in lies, etc.  We'll ask a man the same question 3 or 4 different ways to make sure we get the same answer because we often lack the ability to trust them. But I've found that when you are dealing with a grown man, he will pretty much say exactly what he wants to say. If you ask him something, and he answers, that's the answer. Unless you're dealing with a lying, cheating, player type, what you see is what you get with men. Maybe that's part of the problem with women. Too many of us see them all as lying, cheating, player types so we can't take much of anything they say at face value. 
NOTE: I will say that if all the men you deal with are cheating player types, you are either choosing the wrong kinds of men to deal with, or you are so wounded that you accuse them all of being such. Either way, you need to back away from all dating and pray to God for healing.

Men cut to the chase. They don't usually go into long drawn out details or beat around the bush. They just say what they want to say and are done with it. So when you can't take what he said as what he meant, and you take his words to someone else to "interpret", then bring their interpretation back to him as if you've caught him in a lie, you cause a lot of problems in your relationship.  All of this because you took advice from a woman about a man, when the man was right there in front of you and told you what you asked him, but you couldn't accept it.

As far as married women, one thing I've found is that they can talk the most about their man, as they should. They should be the expert on their husband.  But what is missing sometimes is that they don't distinguish between characteristics of their man, and men in general. I believe that there are basics about men in general that every woman should know prior to marriage, but it seems that over the years with so much breakdown in relationships in and out of church, that basic knowledge is being diluted down to just women passing on what they got in failed relationships or only being able to tell their own personal story.

Even though I'd stopped looking to women to help me understand men, I still needed to be deprogrammed from they old way of thinking. I still had a tendency to wonder what he really meant when he said something,  or I would read way too much into everything a man said. The more I failed at "figuring men out" the more I realized I needed to talk to the one who created them. When I began to take my questions and concerns to God is when I began to understand some things so clearly that it helped me to be more settled in my heart, even in my desire for companionship. Allowing God to talk to me about men, myself, and Himself helped to shave away the unrealistic expectations I had in my heart about men and relationships that I didn't even realize I had.

So I will just say this to any Single woman out there who seems to be having a hard time figuring out these amazing creatures called men.  Go to the creator. Ask Him. You may be surprised to learn how much He knows about men. You will also be relieved at how much healing will take place in your own heart and how much of your mindset needs to be adjusted in the area of relationships. As ready as you may feel like you are, by the time God gets done or gets started talking to you, you may stop asking God, "Why is it taking so long?" and "Where's my husband?", and go back to Him and say, "Not quite yet, Lord. I need a little more time."

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Let Me Fix You

"LET ME FIX YOU"

"I have plenty of good men. They are just hidden, just as you are hidden. I just need you to let me fix you. Let me fix you so that if I give you a husband you won't be trying to get from him what you can only get from me, and if I don't give you a husband you'll still be okay."

When He said that to me I was honest with Him and said, "Lord I believe you can do the first part, but I'm not gonna lie. I don't believe you can do the second part. I don't believe that you can make me be okay without a husband." 

Well guess what? He did it! Did He take away my desire for a mate? NO.  But He did exactly what He said. He FIXED ME so that I would be okay without a husband even though I still desire one. I promise you...He's the ONLY ONE who could do that. How did He do it?  Through my relationship with Him. Through questions I asked and the answers He gave. Through explaining things to me about men and showing me characteristics of Himself that are also found in Godly men and manly men.

Single ladies are constantly told, "Work on your relationship with God!" But nobody was able to explain HOW our relationship WITH GOD actually worked to prepare us for relationship or no relationship. But I asked questions and I'm sharing God's answers with you. It's not rocket science but at the same time if nobody takes the time to let God teach them, the cycle of unhappy, unfulfilled, and desperate acting SAVED Single sisters in church will continue. I didn't want to be one of those women even though I was for a while, and you don't have to be either.

A few weeks after God first said to me, "Let me fix you", He came back to clarify, probably because He recognized how I responded to those particular words in my heart. My heart response, even though I didn't say it out loud, was that there must be something "wrong" with me. It's my fault that I'm not married. I'm not good enough yet. 

The Lord said to me, "When I said 'Let me fix you', I wasn't saying that something is wrong with you or that you're not good enough.  I want you to let me fix what the enemy has done to you, what others have done to you, and what you out of ignorance have done to yourself". 

During the course of our lives so many things come and hurt us to our core, break our hearts and ultimately change the way we feel about ourselves and others, and can change how we feel about relationships. Without proper healing or understanding being gained from things we go through the pain we suffer over time can begin to chip away at our hope. God sees this better than anyone, even us and His desire is that we allow Him through our relationship with Him to heal those old wounds, point out things to us that we have overlooked, explain things to us like how our beliefs have hindered and sometimes crippled us from moving forward in life and enjoying true contentment and fulfillment.

Begin to take time and ask God to reveal to you how the painful things you have experienced have shaped you and altered your view of relationships and yourself.  You may be surprised at how much hurt is still influencing your behaviors and beliefs.

Funny thing about being truly healed:  Sometimes you think you are when you really aren't.  But when you really are...you KNOW it. I didn't know all of what needed to be healed at the time the Lord spoke this to me but by the time He got done breaking it down I was amazed. 

How many dreadful things has the enemy whispered into your ears that you received as your own thoughts?  How many times has he accused you, to yourself, and you agreed with him?  How many times has he ridden the coat tail of your negative emotions at the moment and kicked you when you were down? 

How many times have you been hurt, and deeply wounded by someone who was more than happy to let him use them against you? Have you ever been abandoned? Betrayed?  Lied to? Lied on? Cheated? Abused or taken advantage of in any way? 

Have you ever looked into the mirror and instead of seeing a reason to compliment yourself, you spoke only of things you hated about your looks? How often have you talked yourself out of doing something? Have you ever put up with any level of abuse in any kind of relationship? How many lies did the enemy tell you about yourself that you agreed with because you didn't know any better?  How many times have you gone along with something that was hurtful to you because you didn't know that you were really strong enough to say "No" and that it was okay to say "No"?

It was these kinds of things that the Lord had to walk me through in order to get me to where I could be okay with or without a husband. I encourage you today to open your life and your heart to God and allow Him to "fix you".  Not because you're not good enough or worthy yet, but because you don't realize how damaged you still are.  You don't realize how much the enemy actually got over on you in your ignorance.  The Lord will show you that what you've accepted as "Just the way you are", is not the real you at all, and is not acceptable to Him because it is simply not God's best for you. It's not that He doesn't want to give you the companionship you desire. He just doesn't want you going into a relationship with so many open wounds or sore spots on your soul.  These will wreak havoc in any relationship, and for many of you they are why the last few haven't worked out. He doesn't want you better; He wants you healed.