SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Why Would God Send You Back?

By the time I walked out of that marriage I felt like the Lord was standing at the door next to my bags, waiting to escort me out. It was this experience that taught me that the as long as I was willing to stay, He helped me and gave me grace. When it became clear that I was the only one really putting forth the effort to try and create a truly healthy marriage, and I felt released to leave, and I decided I wanted to live instead of continuing to die that slow death, He supported me and gave me grace. I have told people that when I left I was running for my life. Not because I had been being physically abused but because I was dying on the inside. The life and strength had almost completely been drained from my body.

Even so, because of my background and upbringing, I still had this fear that "God will make me go back".  I knew how I was raised and what our beliefs were. I was well aware of the teaching I had sat under my whole life. Even in my separation I was subjected to things being said in church services that were directed at me personally. I was spoken to more than once about going back, but I knew I couldn't if I wanted to live. It was very difficult for a while but like I said, God gave me grace to go through it. Even with the grace that had been extended to me to make it through I would have thoughts of "What if God tells me to go back? I'll have to do it if He tells me to!"  It worried me to the point that I even had nightmares about it. The feeling of dread and doom in those dreams was so real. I was so glad to wake up after each one! 

I sat in my pastor's office about 3 months or so after the separation and I expressed this concern to him.  He said something to me that set me free from that fear. He said to me, "Why would God send you back into a situation that hasn't changed?" I received so much validation from this. It let me know that whatever he believed at first about my separation, he had seen enough to know that nothing had changed for the better, and certainly not enough for me to feel like I could or should go back.  It let me know that I wasn't alone. Somebody saw me, and at some point had gotten a good clear look at what I had been dealing with. 

Well that conversation took a load off my chest and helped me to stop worrying about whether or not I would find myself having to walk back into that house. It let me know that I didn't have to and that doing so would return me to what I had been set free from. I will be very honest with you though, and tell you that it took years to stop having those bad dreams. I left that house in 1999 and I'm pretty sure that it was about 2013 or early 2014 before I had my last nightmare about it. Mind you, he remarried several years after our divorce but the bad dreams continued even past that point. 

Many people were raised in an environment similar to mine, that taught that you work it out or work on it no matter what.  In many cases it leaves one person doing pretty much all the work to salvage a relationship or create a healthy one while the other one continues to do whatever it is they've been doing.  It is so frustrating and hurtful to want more out of life and to be bound to someone who feels like whatever they have at the moment is enough.  This can create such a tug of war in the home and in your mind and emotions.  It can cause one to be very suspicious of the other. It can bring every insecurity to the surface and it can literally be a source of torment for the one whose heart and soul is crying out for more. Not to mention if there is some form of abuse happening.

I just want to share with you what was shared with me. I don't care who may be butting in where they really don't belong.  I don't care what they've seen before or what is going on or has happened in their own life. They are not you and their situation is not the same as yours. Even if it is very similar, you are different people, so they are in no position to tell you to "go back home", or to keep trying, or what you ought to be doing.  One person can only do so much without the help of the other to make a peaceful home. 

Some people will even lie on God by putting Him into what they are trying to convince you of. They'll even have dreams and feel that they need to share with you what "God showed them about your situation".  This is why it's very important to quiet yourself so that you can continue to hear Him clearly.  Shut out every other voice and stay before Him so that you can grow in your sensitivity to Him and His leading. You may be dealing with what I dealt with, people saying things publicly directing their comments toward you. One man in particular who did this to me didn't realize that his own wife was watching me, admiring my strength, and filed for divorce from him just a few years after my divorce. He had no clue that his own house was torn in two while he was throwing instructions to me in the microphone from across the sanctuary. Another young minister sat down with me sharing with me how the Lord helped him to love his wife after he had felt like they shouldn't be together. Some years later I found out that they were no longer together and I'll leave it at that. Don't be deceived into second-guessing yourself by people who may not realize that their own marriage is on life support.

Don't fall for the okie doke. Look at the situation and see it for exactly what it is. Don't see it for what you hoped it would be, what you know it should be, what it started out as, or even what the bible says it's supposed to be.  See it for WHAT IT IS and deal with it accordingly. If you know it hasn't changed, ask yourself the same question that was asked me, "Why would God send me back into a situation that hasn't changed?" Did He not rescue you out of it? Have you not felt Him holding you together when you would have fallen apart without Him?  

I'm not saying that no separation can be worked out so that the relationship can be saved and even made better. I know two couples that were divorced for up to two years but the marriages were healed and restored when the necessary changes were made for the better. They are more in love now than ever. Many couples have survived affairs and other types of abuse.  But it wasn't without major change. Whatever you do, don't look at it and see the same behavior that sent you packing, and still go back for whatever reason. And please don't blame God if you do, for He has called us to peace.

There is a saying, "Your ex is your ex for a reason." Even if you're tempted to go back for whatever reason, think about why you left and ask yourself if it's worth it to go back to the same situation. God doesn't operate in fear so if you're afraid that you might have to return to it, let that be a sure sign that it's NOT coming from Him. Walk in your freedom. Enjoy your peace of mind. Allow Him to complete the work in you that He started that work before you even walked away from that unhealthy relationship. That season ended but a much better one has begun. Let Him show you!

Problem with Giving? Problem with Believing!

BELIEVE: To have confidence in the truth, the existence, or the reliability of something, although without absolute proof that one is right in doing so.

This morning just as I was opening my eyes I heard the Spirit say, “If you have trouble giving, you probably also have trouble believing.”

What an interesting thing to have spoken to me just as or just before my eyes opened this morning, but that’s what He said.

As I lay there thinking about what it meant, it really became very clear exactly what He was saying to me. I took an honest look at myself this morning upon hearing those words, and I had to admit that that is the absolute truth.  When I thought about all the times that I had a desire to give or even felt lead of the Lord to give certain amounts, when I didn’t do it, it was because I had some doubts about the return. When I chose not to give it was because I was thinking about my situation, what I had or didn’t have, or what I had thought about doing with that money. Even if I thought a little about the fact that it is more blessed to give than to receive, (Acts 20:35)I didn’t trust that it would happen when I wanted it to or quite frankly, at all.

Why would He say “probably”?  Maybe because some people are simply selfish, greedy and stingy. For them it’s got nothing to do with what God said He would do for them if they give, but just about getting and keeping as much as they can. That person according to scripture is called a fool. (Luke 12:20)

For the rest of us though, it really is just that simple.  If you have trouble giving it’s probably because you have trouble believing.

 We’ve already seen Acts 20:35.  Let’s find at least one more scripture about giving and see what it is that we should be believing. (There's more than one but this one is a good one!)

Luke 6:38 says, “Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again.”

Now that’s an awesome promise! The question is though, do we believe it? It’s not complicated. It simply requires an answer of “Yes” or “No”. Whether or not you believe what the bible says about God’s response to your giving will determine whether or not you give, sometimes how much you give, and always the condition of your heart when you give. 

I Corinthians 9:7-8 (NLT) says, “⁷ You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.”^[c] 8 And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others.”

The scripture tells us plain and simple how we should give, from how much (you decide), to the condition of your heart and attitude (cheerfully, not reluctantly or responding to pressure).  When we give this way, there is a promise that we will always have everything we need and plenty left over to share with others. When we look at it this way, why would there be a problem with believing?  How could anyone doubt this? Like I said earlier, when I chose not to give, it was because I wasn’t looking at any promise from God.  I was listening to things people were saying and accusing me of while trying to talk me into giving certain amounts.  I was thinking about my bills and financial obligations. I was thinking about what I had and didn’t have. And I didn’t really believe that I could expect God to do exactly what He said in His word, which was simply to bless me with enough and extra.

As people of God we tend to complicate things so much.  It’s enough to make me wonder if those who are browbeating God’s people even believe the word themselves.  Maybe that’s why they resort to pressuring people into giving instead of just giving them the word, trusting the Spirit of God to deal with each person’s heart, trusting the people of God to respond to the Word of God, and trusting that all their needs will be met also.

I remember how freely I gave as a teenager.  I remember weeping to my pastor when I was about 17 years old about how it seemed like people had to be begged to give. It hurt my heart that people didn’t want to simply give because they loved the Lord and He has asked us to give. I also remember as I got older and had the responsibilities of a household that my focus shifted from what the Word says about being a cheerful giver to what if this or that did or did not happen for me. My head got so clouded with so much of what people were saying that for a very long time, I couldn't think straight when it came to giving.  

I don’t share this word with you as if to say, “You people aren’t trusting God!” or “God said yawl aren’t believing Him!”  People tend to do that to take the spotlight off themselves that the Lord has clearly shined on them in order to help them. I share with you what was first shared with me.  Remember I said I had to take an honest look at myself first. The Holy Spirit spoke those words to me. I share them with you because my assignment from God is to teach as I learn.

So what do I…what do we do now?  It’s time to continue to look honestly at our hearts toward God. It’s time to continue to ask ourselves and give the honest answer, “Do I believe God’s Word?  Do I believe that He will do exactly what He said He will do when I give freely and cheerfully? Am I giving according to how I’ve been instructed to give in scripture? ” 

You see, basically God is saying, “If you believe My Word, you will give. Period.”  No ifs, ands, or butts, or what had happened was.  If you believe, you will give. I’m reminded of the man in Mark 9:24 who cried out, “Lord I believe!  Help thou mine unbelief!”  He wasn’t talking about money or giving in that scripture but it does remind us that as much as we do believe, there are times when we still battle with thoughts of doubt that would try and make us back down from what our hearts are reaching for in God.

So I encourage you today as I remind and encourage myself, to get back to scripture. Give according to scripture. Show that you believe the promise by giving. Ask the Lord to help you to hear HIM more clearly, to weed out all of the words you’ve heard over the years and to stop using those words as excuses to not obey God’s instructions.  You see, no matter what anyone says in a building, into a microphone, you have His word available to you and quite frankly, you are without excuse.  I want to return to being the blessed, cheerful, pure-hearted and free giver that I was as a teenager and this morning the Lord let me know that He wants that for me also, and not only that, but He will help me. He will help you too.

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Get LOST?...in GOD?

All of my adult single life in church I've heard the statement to single women, "The best way to be found (by a man for marriage) is to get lost in God." Those words never did set right with me even though for quite some time I couldn't put my finger on why. I understand the intention. Basically they are saying to get busy working for God. Do all your hands find to do and one day, lo and behold you'll get "found" by a man.  (yeah, keep telling that to all the single women who've been lost and working in church for the past 20 to 30 years, and still not found) Although there is some truth to that, I believe that wording takes it out of context. I was still having a fit with that one word, "lost", and the next two words, "in God". Those three words back to back sound like nonsense to me. As I walked with God and my relationship with Him grew I understood why I didn't like or agree with that statement.

First, let's allow the dictionary to tell us what it means to be "lost". 

lost: 

adjective

1.no longer possessed or retained

2. no longer to be found

3.having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, 

4. not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted

5.being something that someone has failed to win

6. ending in or attended with defeat

So now you see why I have had a hard time accepting that I should seek to be or try  or desire to be "lost" and "in God" at the same time. 

Yes I understand the point that is being made but it doesn't make it a correct statement. I am a single, saved woman, who desires marriage so I need real talk. I don't need what you say to sound differently than what you mean or what you're trying to say. 

So what am I to do since getting lost in God is clearly not an option?  I will allow scripture to tell me.  One of my favorite scriptures is 

Psalm 119:114 which says, "Thou art my hiding place and my shield; I hope in thy word."

Now that sounds much better. Being lost is  not knowing where you really are, exactly how you got there, or how to get where you were intending to go when you started your journey. You've accidentally wandered off into a place and now you are at the mercy of whoever shows up first to help you. Hopefully they will help you and not take advantage of your vulnerable state.

To hide is more intentional.  You knew where you were. You knew of a secret place. You chose to go to that secret place for protection from whatever could bring you harm or take some advantage over you. You went to that place knowing that you could reveal yourself to only the one you choose.

Psalm 91:1 says, "He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty..."

Nothing mentioned here about being lost either, but rather to dwell and to abide. These are also things that are done intentionally. 

Jesus spoke to His disciples of abiding in Him in each of the scriptures from John 15:4-15:7

Not only does scripture instruct and encourage us to abide, dwell, and hide in Him, it also says that He would hide us. Where?  As Psalm 91:1 says, under His shadow.  Vs 4 says, "He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler".

Jesus said in Luke 13:34, "...how often would I have gathered thy children together, even as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, and ye would not!"

We are asked to seek God out on purpose, willingly hide in His secret place, and allow Him to protect us and cover us, only revealing us when the time is right, or when it is safe. I don't know about you but one day I realized that I need to be protected from the wrong kinds of men. I need to be protected from my own desire for companionship. As a woman I need to be able to control my emotions and moods. In any event that I may feel vulnerable, I need to make sure I haven't wandered away from my hiding place. I have the assurance of knowing that my heavenly Father and my Savior are waiting with open arms to cover and protect my tender heart from all who would not be pleasing to Him for me.

Some might read this and say, "You're just nit picking. You know what they mean when they say that!"  Honestly, I kinda did and I kinda didn't. I know what it means to be lost so why in the world would someone tell me to go get lost?! :-) What man, what Godly man wants a lost woman? It bothered me so I asked God about it, and He showed me Psalm 119:114. I immediately could put my finger on what bothered me about being told to "get lost in God".  Quite frankly I think that people tell you that sometimes just to get rid of you, like sending you to look for a red orange or something. 

You see, as I walked with God and allowed Him to build relationship with me, it was then that I actually FOUND myself! God knew where I was all along. I wasn't lost to him, except in my sins, but I was lost to myself. It was me who didn't know what, where, or who I was! He first lead me along the path to finding Him, and then the journey continued as He helped me to find myself.  I was lost, confused about things, bewildered, even overwhelmed by daily life, until I started talking to Him!  Even after I became a born again believer I was still lost in life, not knowing my purpose or which one of my several gifts was my core gift around which all others revolved, and were in place to support. The more He talked to me the more I understood myself...found myself.  I could not accept being told to get lost when I was finally beginning to feel, found.

It is in God that we begin to realize just how lost we were. It is in God that we gain understanding, about ourselves, about our God, about our ministry calling, about living life every day. It's in God that we are enlightened, that our eyes are opened, that we receive clarity about things, that our questions are answered. As all these things happen we are better equipped to hear God about who is worthy of our hand in marriage, who is a good fit for the calling of God on our lives, and to hear God clearly when He says, "Keep it moving. That's not it".  We won't allow ourselves to be dated by men who have no intentions toward marriage.

When you're lost, anybody can come along and make you feel like they are rescuing you or helping you.  What do you know?  You're lost!  Unless you get some gut feeling telling you otherwise, you're going to trust them to have your best interest at heart, whether they do or not. Anybody can come along and tell you where you are and give you any kinds of directions to get back on track. How would you know if they are lying? You're lost!  God doesn't want us as His precious single ladies to spend our lives wandering around waiting for some man to come along and tell us who we are, and where we're going from here. That's our Father's job, but like Jerusalem, we often won't let Him protect us, and over and over some of us are broken and taken advantage of.

There is another quote that I like much better which says, "The heart of a woman should be so hidden in God that a man will have to seek God in order to find her".  That's a lot better! God doesn't want us walking around lost, puzzled, wandering and wondering, bewildered, gone astray....in Him.  Crying over not being dated or having a man to spend time with, wondering why nobody wants us, second-guessing our value, questioning our beauty and worth. Being that way sets us up to be victims of more than one kind of abuse and would cause us to be what the scripture says, "destroyed for lack of knowledge". He wants us to walk around confident. You know how someone behaves when they have a juicy secret?  When they have knowledge of something that not everyone else has?  They behave as if they have some control, some power over the situation, and guess what?  They do and so do you! You are that wonderful secret. You are that precious jewel hidden until found by the one to whom God will reveal you. Take rest and find peace in the fact that the God you serve loves you so much that He'd rather keep you hidden forever than to reveal you and expose you to ravenous wolves who would tear you asunder, take advantage of you, and destroy you. You are the prize, the gift from God, the one who brings favor into a man's life that he can't even experience until you come along and say, "I do". You are one of the reasons that a man can declare the faithfulness of God. (that's another blog post) 

Single women of God have given away so much of our power to just anybody, or to happenstance, to men who knew just what to say or just how many scriptures to quote. We've given our power away to men because of what they had materially, not understanding that no matter what he has, when you come, you bring the very favor of God.  Our walk with God is to be intentional, on purpose. We're supposed to mean it! Hide in God so that the only men who will seek you out are men who are first seeking God!

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Yawl Look Good Together! And?

Looking good together or being a cute couple doesn’t mean you’re supposed to be married to each other.  Any two people can have similar tastes, make each other blush, wear matching outfits, or laugh at the same jokes. But if neither of you or one of you does not know your purpose and your calling from God, how will you know whether the person you're looking cute with, and giving your time, attention and heart to meets God's approval?  Looking good together and even being in love is not proof that God has set His stamp of approval on your union.

Knowing how to choose a mate is about knowing who you are in God, knowing God's will for your life, knowing your purpose and therefore knowing if that person fits into that plan and purpose. It's about knowing the direction you are being lead by God to go and recognizing when you have met the one who is walking in the same direction. When the honeymoon is over and the initial high of being in love and the newness of marriage fades, you will have to be able to walk together in agreement, about money, children, family, daily living in the home, and most of all, your God-given purpose. 

We are not to go into courting and marriage hoping that the other person will tell us what our purpose is.  That information comes from God, the one who created you, knows every cell of your body, and has numbered every hair of your head. The other person needs that information from God about themselves just as you do.

Although your purpose is tied to another person in marriage, it shouldn't be discovered after marriage. It's true that many people don't discover it until after marriage because they didn't know it was to be discovered beforehand. But to prepare for and enter into marriage correctly, the issue of one's purpose should be settled ahead of time. If it's not, what if you marry someone and end up "growing apart" when one or both of you you start to discover what your purpose is? 

You need to understand that God's calling on your life is not predicated upon whether or not you have a mate.  What God has called YOU to do, He has called YOU to do, so with or without a mate He expects His purpose to be fulfilled in YOUR life. This does not mean waiting to see if you get a mate before you begin to walk in it either. If bringing someone into your life means you will be pulled away from what God expects from you, you are bringing the wrong person into your life, no matter how you feel about each other or look with each other.

I know of two couples that when I first saw them together or knew of their engagement, my honest opinion was, "That doesn't even look right!" What did I mean by "look right"?  I was looking at what I knew about each of them on the surface. I was looking at their physical appearances. I didn't know what either of their purpose was so how could I decide, and who was I to decide whether or not they were right for each other?  I couldn't, and neither can you.

I'm not saying that God doesn't know and isn't capable of giving you what you desire.  For the most part, the way He wired you shaped what you desire and find attractive.  Without knowing what it means to be completely healed from all past wounds though, we won't realize that some of what we desire or find attractive is based on old wounds or past experiences and the condition they left us in.  As we allow the healing of God to take place we will find that much of what we thought was a necessity, no longer is.  What we used to find irresistible may turn out to be something that we could actually do without, or isn't nearly as important as it used to be. I'm sure most of us can think of someone in our past we at one time made us short of breath, but now looking at them makes us wonder what in the world we were thinking. This is true as we grow spiritually as well.

Over the years I have made changes to my "list" based on the things that the Lord has taught me about myself, and Himself.  I basically still like what I like and don't like what I don't like as far as outward appearances go, but as God healed my heart over time I have learned to look beyond the surface and look for true Godly characteristics.  That comes first and foremost. The other will be there as well but it won't be what drives me into saying "Yes" to a marriage proposal. As someone said to me years ago, "God will give you what you want wrapped in what you need."  I don't care how attracted you are to someone or how much sexual chemistry the two of you may have, it can only take you so far, and often it won't take you past having sex.

Do I want to look cute with someone?  Absolutely! I understand now though that part of looking cute means that there is some agreement, there has been some blending and there is some oneness. It means we are operating as a team, we are communicating, we are learning each others' ways and that we have eyes only for each other. It means we are spiritually connected and are not pulling each other in opposite directions from what God has designed us for. Above all, it means that we both have the same stamp of approval from God to be together for His ultimate purpose for both our lives.

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: One of my BEST Decisions

SINGLE LIFE SERIES:  One of the best decisions I've made as a single woman was when I STOPPED taking advice from women, including married women...about men.

I made this decision several years ago due to many many times of being ill -informed by women who seemed to or wanted to think they knew a lot about men. Most of them of course were single just like I was, and usually going from one relationship to another. It took me a while but I finally figured out that they were not helping me at all. 

Friends of mine who were outside of regular church attendance had advice that was pretty much strictly worldly and fleshly. Single women in the church for the most part had just as many questions as I did, unless they were trying to be extra deep and spiritual. Most of the women in and out of church were wounded still from past experiences or even by current situations in their marriages. They had built up walls that wouldn't allow them to fully trust or even be willing to love whole heartedly again. Married women in church, I found seemed to be very unhappy in their marriages.  The bulk of their relationship or marriage advice was about how it's all "work".  It's not easy. No romance. No friendship. No laughter. "It's a lot of work", or "It's not all flower beds of ease" is what I heard a lot while looking into faces of women who seemed to regret being married.  They encouraged us to enjoy being single, but not in a way that celebrated singleness. Instead it was in a way that made me think they wished they still were, or could be again. If they weren't doing that they often "scolded" the single ladies for their questions, making them feel guilty for asking or having a desire for companionship.

Another thing that helped me to come to this decision was that as I walked with God and as He continued to explain things to me, He taught me about men through His own behavior toward me and His own characteristics that can also be found in men. The more He showed me, the more I realized how much bad information and sometimes incomplete information was being passed along among women.

If you think about it, most people believe that the best way to find out how a person feels is to ask that person, but for some reason women don't apply this to men. Many don't believe anything that comes out of a man's mouth about himself, or what he thinks or wants or doesn't want.  Instead, we'll take what he said, then go to other females and say stuff like. "Girl let me tell you what he said and then you tell me what you think", or "Girl he said such n such...what do you think he meant by that?" Then her trusted friend commences to pass on advice based on her past experiences or that of some trusted female in her life which was had in a relationship that didn't work out. And let's not even go there with the women in church and their, "Girl I had a dream about you guys" or "I saw how he was watching you", carrying on. 

I experienced this quite a bit with one friend in particular who would offer the translation without my even asking.  I would tell her something a guy said and she would say, "You know what that means don't you?" Of course at this point I'm looking as puzzled as a tourist in a foreign country and she sees that as a sign that I desperately need what she has to say.  She would go on to telling me that "When a man says that, what he really means is...".  But you know what I learned about men when I stopped letting women tell me what they meant?  THEY MEANT JUST WHAT THEY SAID. 

You see, women tend to play those games with our words in an effort to trick or trap men in lies, etc.  We'll ask a man the same question 3 or 4 different ways to make sure we get the same answer because we often lack the ability to trust them. But I've found that when you are dealing with a grown man, he will pretty much say exactly what he wants to say. If you ask him something, and he answers, that's the answer. Unless you're dealing with a lying, cheating, player type, what you see is what you get with men. Maybe that's part of the problem with women. Too many of us see them all as lying, cheating, player types so we can't take much of anything they say at face value. 
NOTE: I will say that if all the men you deal with are cheating player types, you are either choosing the wrong kinds of men to deal with, or you are so wounded that you accuse them all of being such. Either way, you need to back away from all dating and pray to God for healing.

Men cut to the chase. They don't usually go into long drawn out details or beat around the bush. They just say what they want to say and are done with it. So when you can't take what he said as what he meant, and you take his words to someone else to "interpret", then bring their interpretation back to him as if you've caught him in a lie, you cause a lot of problems in your relationship.  All of this because you took advice from a woman about a man, when the man was right there in front of you and told you what you asked him, but you couldn't accept it.

As far as married women, one thing I've found is that they can talk the most about their man, as they should. They should be the expert on their husband.  But what is missing sometimes is that they don't distinguish between characteristics of their man, and men in general. I believe that there are basics about men in general that every woman should know prior to marriage, but it seems that over the years with so much breakdown in relationships in and out of church, that basic knowledge is being diluted down to just women passing on what they got in failed relationships or only being able to tell their own personal story.

Even though I'd stopped looking to women to help me understand men, I still needed to be deprogrammed from they old way of thinking. I still had a tendency to wonder what he really meant when he said something,  or I would read way too much into everything a man said. The more I failed at "figuring men out" the more I realized I needed to talk to the one who created them. When I began to take my questions and concerns to God is when I began to understand some things so clearly that it helped me to be more settled in my heart, even in my desire for companionship. Allowing God to talk to me about men, myself, and Himself helped to shave away the unrealistic expectations I had in my heart about men and relationships that I didn't even realize I had.

So I will just say this to any Single woman out there who seems to be having a hard time figuring out these amazing creatures called men.  Go to the creator. Ask Him. You may be surprised to learn how much He knows about men. You will also be relieved at how much healing will take place in your own heart and how much of your mindset needs to be adjusted in the area of relationships. As ready as you may feel like you are, by the time God gets done or gets started talking to you, you may stop asking God, "Why is it taking so long?" and "Where's my husband?", and go back to Him and say, "Not quite yet, Lord. I need a little more time."

SINGLE LIFE SERIES: Let Me Fix You

"LET ME FIX YOU"

"I have plenty of good men. They are just hidden, just as you are hidden. I just need you to let me fix you. Let me fix you so that if I give you a husband you won't be trying to get from him what you can only get from me, and if I don't give you a husband you'll still be okay."

When He said that to me I was honest with Him and said, "Lord I believe you can do the first part, but I'm not gonna lie. I don't believe you can do the second part. I don't believe that you can make me be okay without a husband." 

Well guess what? He did it! Did He take away my desire for a mate? NO.  But He did exactly what He said. He FIXED ME so that I would be okay without a husband even though I still desire one. I promise you...He's the ONLY ONE who could do that. How did He do it?  Through my relationship with Him. Through questions I asked and the answers He gave. Through explaining things to me about men and showing me characteristics of Himself that are also found in Godly men and manly men.

Single ladies are constantly told, "Work on your relationship with God!" But nobody was able to explain HOW our relationship WITH GOD actually worked to prepare us for relationship or no relationship. But I asked questions and I'm sharing God's answers with you. It's not rocket science but at the same time if nobody takes the time to let God teach them, the cycle of unhappy, unfulfilled, and desperate acting SAVED Single sisters in church will continue. I didn't want to be one of those women even though I was for a while, and you don't have to be either.

A few weeks after God first said to me, "Let me fix you", He came back to clarify, probably because He recognized how I responded to those particular words in my heart. My heart response, even though I didn't say it out loud, was that there must be something "wrong" with me. It's my fault that I'm not married. I'm not good enough yet. 

The Lord said to me, "When I said 'Let me fix you', I wasn't saying that something is wrong with you or that you're not good enough.  I want you to let me fix what the enemy has done to you, what others have done to you, and what you out of ignorance have done to yourself". 

During the course of our lives so many things come and hurt us to our core, break our hearts and ultimately change the way we feel about ourselves and others, and can change how we feel about relationships. Without proper healing or understanding being gained from things we go through the pain we suffer over time can begin to chip away at our hope. God sees this better than anyone, even us and His desire is that we allow Him through our relationship with Him to heal those old wounds, point out things to us that we have overlooked, explain things to us like how our beliefs have hindered and sometimes crippled us from moving forward in life and enjoying true contentment and fulfillment.

Begin to take time and ask God to reveal to you how the painful things you have experienced have shaped you and altered your view of relationships and yourself.  You may be surprised at how much hurt is still influencing your behaviors and beliefs.

Funny thing about being truly healed:  Sometimes you think you are when you really aren't.  But when you really are...you KNOW it. I didn't know all of what needed to be healed at the time the Lord spoke this to me but by the time He got done breaking it down I was amazed. 

How many dreadful things has the enemy whispered into your ears that you received as your own thoughts?  How many times has he accused you, to yourself, and you agreed with him?  How many times has he ridden the coat tail of your negative emotions at the moment and kicked you when you were down? 

How many times have you been hurt, and deeply wounded by someone who was more than happy to let him use them against you? Have you ever been abandoned? Betrayed?  Lied to? Lied on? Cheated? Abused or taken advantage of in any way? 

Have you ever looked into the mirror and instead of seeing a reason to compliment yourself, you spoke only of things you hated about your looks? How often have you talked yourself out of doing something? Have you ever put up with any level of abuse in any kind of relationship? How many lies did the enemy tell you about yourself that you agreed with because you didn't know any better?  How many times have you gone along with something that was hurtful to you because you didn't know that you were really strong enough to say "No" and that it was okay to say "No"?

It was these kinds of things that the Lord had to walk me through in order to get me to where I could be okay with or without a husband. I encourage you today to open your life and your heart to God and allow Him to "fix you".  Not because you're not good enough or worthy yet, but because you don't realize how damaged you still are.  You don't realize how much the enemy actually got over on you in your ignorance.  The Lord will show you that what you've accepted as "Just the way you are", is not the real you at all, and is not acceptable to Him because it is simply not God's best for you. It's not that He doesn't want to give you the companionship you desire. He just doesn't want you going into a relationship with so many open wounds or sore spots on your soul.  These will wreak havoc in any relationship, and for many of you they are why the last few haven't worked out. He doesn't want you better; He wants you healed.